Sad.

I miss him. So very much.

I forgot the sound of his voice.

Eh. I don't want to write anymore.

End result, extreme rage (from the night before) turns into extreme sorrow. Blegh.

Eh

It seems suppressing the feelings fails... especially when I have dreams about him. In it I had called him and he didn't reply, and I was concerned because it had been 11 days since I had last heard from him. Ah fuck, I wont go into detail, but I confronted him before these 11 days, and said I was sad because it feels like you're going to die again. I don't know how he was alive again in the first place... but he then started crying.

Ah shit, this is bullshit. It has been over 10 months and it still hurts. I hate waking up from dreams like that. It's fucking 4am, and I need to be at work in two hours. I only wish more people understand how I feel.

Damn that dream was so real. To see him again. So nice, yet so miserable.
Alright I am done typing.

Avoiding the inevitable = Impossible

I do not know why.

I do not have the answers.

I can not tell you this will be easy.

This will be unlike anything you have ever experienced.

I wish mourning the loss of someone were easy. I wish the pain would go away. I constantly suppress my grief. I mask it, I despise it. Yet no matter what I do, it will always be there. I need to stop running away from it. I can't ignore it. That matter proved itself to be true. I (which I haven't done since the week Adam passed) completely lost it today.

I wish I could have controlled myself. But I was unable to do so. I was only fortunate enough that my bfff (not a typo) was really close by when I did to help calm me down.

The time before today I was luckily not by myself. That time I was with Adam's friends and family. Sigh. It's such an ugly sight to bear witness to.

I suppose I will tell you now, so if anybody else has to see it, they know what to expect.

I scream, I yell, I cry uncontrollably.
I punch walls no matter how hard it hurts.

Sigh.

I just miss him. I think about all the times I yelled at him, and wish I had not done so.

One time especially I was trying to get some documents signed for my early release from probation. Well, long story short, I was frustrated because Adam woke up late and because he did, I missed the time slot to have my papers signed. The location was in McKinney, and by then it was about the 3rd time I had driven up there only to find the office was 'closed' or whatever bullshit they had that day. I even called beforehand to make sure they would be open, but they had some stupid meeting or something when I got there. So I lost it, got completely frustrated and started screaming. Adam (by this time) was familiar with my 'routine' when I get angry and he said that I can punch him if I needed to. At first I told him it wasn't necessary. But out of nowhere, without me warning him, I punched him as hard as I could. In the arm at least, I'm not that cruel. I know he wasn't mad that I did that, but I still feel bad about doing it. I yelled at him so much that day. I wish I didn't, thinking back on it.

Well, you can't live life regretting something like that. Sigh. Even though I said it then, I will say it again. I am sorry babe for doing that to you.

Fuck it all.

The year of firsts

It still hasn't been a year. A year since he has passed away.

His birthday is coming up. I don't want it to. I wish he were still here. I am starting to cry more because it's approaching. I remember his last birthday celebration so vividly. I remember everything we did.

From eating fried chicken ( I don't know why we were eating fried chicken) and playing darts at the local pub. I'm pretty sure we had Korean over the weekend.

The birthday before that we had Korean. It was my treat. Then we took sticker pictures. We were so happy then.

The first birthday I celebrated with you, we weren't going out at the time. But you already had feelings for me. We went to the strip club and had Korean afterwards.

Fuck this. I just miss you so much babe, I want you to come back. I can't stop thinking about you.

Well, this year some friends brought up the idea of going to the strip club and eating Korean for your birthday. I don't know how well I will be able to partake upon this 'celebration' because I will be having my wisdom teeth removed the day prior. But I will be damn well doing my best to be there for you. Although whomever is interested in joining, let me know.

I remember when you would work long shifts, and I would beg for you to come home. I can't do that in this situation. As much as I beg, you won't come home. You are already at home. Just not with us. Your new home. I miss you so fucking much. I wish this pain would just go away. But it never will.

Reveal your true self and then you will see

You will then see who we really are. What disgusting pigs we really, truly are.


I hate all of these emotions that are rushing through myself.

I still miss him. I still miss his smell, his touch. I miss the comfort that he brought. I miss the love that he had to give me, overflowing from his heart. I miss ... fuck, this list could go on forever. Yet why must it take so long to realize that I could never have this? Ever again.

Why must I waste away, drowning myself in tears of sorrow, when they should be tears to be thankful I am still alive?

I have lost him, as he stole my heart. I have lost all faith in love and mankind. I can not love anymore. I do not want my heart to be broken again. With the many hearts that I have destroyed, it was my turn, and it was something that I can not mend. I am now sure that not even time could either. This heart of mine will remain in pieces forever until I die. I suppose I deserve it, I am not the only one. I am stronger then most, but because of this experience, I will now be colder. I will become more selfish, I will not care about anyone else.

I had a nightmare earlier. I hate dreaming about him. I visited him at his former place of employment over the weekend. I thought I could handle it, peacefully, yet the sadness overwhelmed me in the form of tears and anger.

Even my mother mentioned that I need to move on and get over it. She is a fucking cunt for telling me such foolish things.

I am not sure what love is anymore. I am not sure how true my love is for him. Maybe even 'was' for him. I feel this way because in any given situation, no matter how much you love somebody, there will always be something that you deem more worthy than the significant other for your personal gain. And given that substance, that object, whatever or whomever it is, you will feed your hunger and delve into such a darkness that will eat your heart alive. Everybody has done it. Everybody will do it. It is just a matter of time. This makes me sick. The human mind makes me sick.

I hate who we are. I hate myself for it. But because this is how we are constructed, we can not change it.

I love you Adam. I know I do. But with my definition of love, I am starting to wonder why it even exists. If in a single breath, it could be destroyed. Any form of love disdained.

And if you haven't caught on, you know given a certain amount of money, given a condition of life or death, something unexpected, your greed and self-indulgence will always win. You will sell your love for something that you would want more. That is such an unfortunate reality. We are all victims of this.

I have a huge distaste for humanity. It gets worse every second.

doot

So this book that I am reading causes me to hate humanity even more. I already despised it prior to picking it up, but now I detest it. It makes me sick.

On my way to work I wanted to write this long post describing in detail how much I hate this world. But fatigue consumes me, causing me to write a brief post instead.

The book had this one quote that I will probably abide by from now on.

"All things end."

As simple as it was, it was something that we don't exactly realize. Well, I should say we do realize it, we just don't ever want to admit the validity of the aforementioned statement.

When you think about it, it is 100% true. We all have at least one thing in common, and that is we will never walk the earth forever. Our time will come, and we will just be another form of decaying matter, non-existent. Something we once were, will never be in the end.

Something I couldn't stop thinking about after reading it.

Goodnight.

Distractions followed by Decoys

A decoy is necessary for a distraction. Anything. An accident on the highway. A screaming woman begging for help. Anything out of the ordinary.

In this situation. A new found love. Someone living, breathing... real. That's right. A perfect distraction.

I met a guy while on vacation to North Carolina who is absolutely amazing. We have talked everyday on the phone ever since. He is everything I want in a guy, and I don't compare him to Adam at all.

I suppose North Carolina breeds their chivalrous sweethearts well... for the most part at least.

Especially since the guys here are douchebags.

So it has been almost six months since he has passed away. I told myself that by then I will have gotten over this. I obviously have never experienced such a feeling, and I realize that the pain never goes away. It lessens with time, that's for sure. So I am thankful to have survived as long as I have.

I love you Adam, you are irreplaceable on so many levels.