So I should be sleeping, but being single, and being single because the significant other died, usually an effect would be lack of sleep.
I don't think I have been at a loss for sleep in ages.
Has anybody seen the movie 25th hour? With Edward Norton? Well there is a scene in it where he gives his spiel and says 'fuck you' to everyone and everything. Probably one of the most racist things out there. In fact, this movie was so controversial, Blockbuster didn't have it available to rent. I know this because at the time I had no clue how to download movies, and I didn't own it yet. So next best thing was to rent it. Fuck you Blockbuster and your morals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGTEkJ8axbo
err... that's the link to what i'm talking about.
Well I feel like Ed Norton's character 'Monty' (shit is that his name in it? I don't remember). Whenever somebody complains about their life, about how fucking hard it is, I want to tell them to suck it up and deal with it. I want to tell them that they are still so lucky, with what they have. And that if they haven't suffered the death of a loved one, then they should move on until the day comes, and then they can complain for however long they feel like it. Complaints such as, fuck, I don't feel like typing examples, but you know what we all complain about. The same arbitrary bullshit. I feel I don't have the right to complain either, even though I am having to go through all of this, I am so lucky still.
I can see what I am typing. I have a job that puts food in my mouth and pays the bills. The bills that cause me to have the desire to learn how to hack into websites, so I can clear all the debt I have accrued. But I shouldn't even complain about that. There are other people who have more debt than I do. I have all four of my limbs, my hamster is still alive!
Eh, just so much to be thankful for. So much. I wish everybody can realize this, so they would stop dwelling over shit that goes wrong, over shit that doesn't go the way they planned it. I say fuck you and deal with it. Yeah, you need to watch the part I'm referring to, because Mr. Norton said it best.
End note, a lovely memory of Adam.
This is before we were going out, we were just friends. There were four of us, Adam and I, and two other friends. We were on our way to a strip club (yes a strip club) to celebrate Adam's birthday. On the highway there was this guy doing a wheelie while going at least 60mph. I rolled down my window and screamed at him, cheering him on, telling him how hot he was. Adam was so cute because he wanted to show off (he already developed a crush over me at this time) so he raced the guy! Adam was driving a small 4 cylinder Geo Prism. I don't know what he was thinking, but he actually kept up with him! For like a few seconds, then the cyclist zoomed off into the distance. It was such a rush to be in the car when he was doing this. Later when Adam and I were bored, talking (months after we started going out) I asked him about that night. He said that he was jealous of the guy and really wanted to show off for me. How cute that was. You were a really good driver, you never scared me no matter what you did, how fast you went, the crazy turns you drove. Anybody else that rode with you, even if they were 6ft and wasn't scared of anything, you put fear into their hearts. I miss you so much. I miss your crazy driving. Nobody that I have met, is as crazy as you were. Actually, nobody aside from me too. You and I were perfect for each other. We were so crazy when it came to anything! Nothing could stop us. We feared nothing when we were together! Well, at least for the most part. Humans are created to fear whether they admit it or not. There is no way a human can be defined as fearless. It just is not possible.
It irritates me when people say that we were meant for each other. Not because of that specific part, but because they follow up that statement by saying, "you guys were soulmates, and were going to get married" Everything they said made it seem like we were going to grow old together. That it was our fate. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Our fate? Him lying 6 feet under dirt, his corpse rotting away. That's the reality of this so called 'fate' you claim we were supposed to have together.
I really need to get some sleep. Adam I miss you and your crazy driving. I will be in Mineral Wells this weekend, my drifting that I will be doing will be in your name.
I loves you with all my heart. And no the 'loves' is not a typo. That is just how we said it for those who haven't known or caught on.
Kisses.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
What do you do?
It's sad when the person closest to you leaves. I have all these things I want to say, but the person that I trusted the most, that I confided in the most, is gone. Who do I say these things to? Especially when I could never be as close to anybody as I was with Adam.
Just the simplest things even. Like, "oh my god work was horrible today!" Or, "look at how crazy my hair is!" There are just so many things, that I wish I could tell him. During lunch, if he wasn't there to take me out, I would always call him and see what he was doing. Before I would leave for work, I would give him kisses goodbye, tell him I loved him, and that I would see him after I get off work. I miss bringing him lunch, because he was tired of eating hamburgers (he worked at five guys at the galleria mall). I loved cooking him scrambled eggs, and making rice, it was one of his favorite dishes, because it was easy, and he disliked me doing much work. He would be so happy when I would bring it to him.
How do you stop the pain, when the only thing you want, is something you can't have. When nothing in the world, could make you as happy as you would be, if the person you loved was back in your arms. What do you do, to make the pain go away? I wish there was something that could fill the void, something that could ease the pain. Something that didn't require drugs or alcohol, or even alchemy! fucking dammit! How did other people survive? If they can do it, then certainly I can. I say fuck you to depression, fuck you to drugs or alcohol. You throw me this shitty brick in my life, and I toss it back to the deep nothingness in the sea. I dont know what I'm trying to say. I say fuck you to life, and the many hurdles you throw at us. I will survive this, and this pain will go away.
Everytime I think about him, it still feels like yesterday. I always said there's no way I could live without him. Everytime I said bye to him, trying to break up with him, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much, and I never wanted him out of my life. I just couldnt be without him. I don't know how I have lived 3 months without him now. But I have no choice, suicide is not my cup of tea. I will not succumb to your wrath.
I'm sorry Adam for treating you the way I did when we were apart. I now know the pain you felt when I broke up with you, and I treated you like shit. I'm sorry for what I did, and I wish I didn't put you through it. You would drink yourself to sleep, and my heart aches that you had to suffer that way. I guess it's a good thing that you left before me, because if I died, you would definitely drink yourself to death. And if me being dead would be the cause of that, then I would feel terrible. If i can feel such a feeling, wherever the afterlife is.
Whenever I play your ipod, I always scroll over the playlist you made. The one titled "I miss her". You made that when we were apart. I always look at it's a constant reminder of what you had to suffer. And I am again truly sorry for that. I suppose in the end, we have to be thankful that it brought us back together better than ever.
I miss you so much Adam. I miss having you hold me while I fall asleep. I miss you being my partner in co-op video games. I would love to have you as my partner in the new Resident Evil, the AI sucks! You would be doing so much better, achieving a lot of head shots. There's even a rifle in it too! So you could snipe the enemies. You loved sniping in video games so much. That was your dream, to be an assassin, a sniper, a pilot.
We were supposed to race each other, but we never had both our cars working, or I would always wuss out. I wish I raced you, you know I would've beaten you. :) You did tell me that you thought I would be a better driver (whether it be drifting, street racing, rallying, whatever) than you. I hope you're practicing up there, for when I come to challenge you!
I have to keep myself so busy, because I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get stuff done, the stuff that requires solo time, alone time at home. Like work on my car, or sell all my shit so I can move, read my books, I can't do anything of the sort. Because when I am by myself, it's so empty, I should be with you.
I can't stop crying.
I miss you babe, I miss you so much. I always wonder what is worse, being a mother and losing your son, being a sister and losing your brother, being a girlfriend and losing your boyfriend. Or even being a child and losing your parent, or your grandparent. WTF! They all suck, they're all terrible. But then I wonder, losing your child, somebody you created, raised, agh shit. I am losing concentration on this. Here's what I think, I think it's hardest when you're the widow, or fiancè or whatever in a relationship, and you lose your signifcant other. At least it's the hardest in the beginning. But then I feel bad for the family, because you can always find another person to love and be in a relationship with. But you can't ever replace the son or daughter you lost. So does that make it easier in the end? Of course you can never replace your significant other, but when you find a new love, the pain lessens in the end.
There are so many tattoos I want to get in remembrance of you. I want to become an air force pilot for you. I want to build that perfect car for you. I want to be that badass that you always said you were. But in reality, you really were the ultimate badass. Hilarious. I loved it when you would say that. I want to be able to fight like you were able to. To have the knowledge you had about guns and computers, and everything I didn't have. I just want to be you, to have something there, to keep alive.
I hope that when I die, that our stuffed animals can come with me. So we can all be together again, your tigers miss you. Panda misses you.
I still have that Tiger puzzle I got you for Christmas... I don't want to do it by myself, I want you to finish it with me. And that LEGO set I got you too, I know if I tried to build it, I would get lost and frustrated and not be able to complete it. And the batman pens I bought you, what am I to do with those? You said you didn't want to use them, because you were scared you would lose them. But now I don't want to use it. Because I don't want to have to lose any of them. And that comb of yours!! Oh my god that comb. You know, the one with the missing teeth, and I would tell you to throw it away, but you didn't want to! I even got you a new comb, but you still used the broken one. It's still in my bathroom, I don't want to remove it. I should've given it to you to be buried with it.
I wish I asked you what you would want me to do with myself if you died before me. I know you would be sad, if you knew you were going to die soon, because there would be nobody to protect me. Don't worry, I'll be strong, and learn to take care of myself. One step at a time. I mean, you and I did have dreams of killing people... of course I can take care of myself!
And I have dirty dishes... come clean them for me! I don't want to wash them... I miss you helping me clean around the place. I miss you taking showers with me. I miss you driving fast for me. I miss you playing with my poofy hair, and always saying how cute I looked when it was curly.
There is no source of comfort, that will equal to the amount that only I can get from you.
I really need to learn alchemy, so I can bring you back to life. If only it were that easy. Maybe building a time machine will be easier. I don't want to lose an arm and leg (full metal reference for those who are unaware).
Well, I'm going to go do stuff, to get my mind off of this, and to maybe actually stop crying over you.
I love you babe, with all my heart.
I can't wait to see you.
Kisses!
I'm over this.
I love you Adam.
Just the simplest things even. Like, "oh my god work was horrible today!" Or, "look at how crazy my hair is!" There are just so many things, that I wish I could tell him. During lunch, if he wasn't there to take me out, I would always call him and see what he was doing. Before I would leave for work, I would give him kisses goodbye, tell him I loved him, and that I would see him after I get off work. I miss bringing him lunch, because he was tired of eating hamburgers (he worked at five guys at the galleria mall). I loved cooking him scrambled eggs, and making rice, it was one of his favorite dishes, because it was easy, and he disliked me doing much work. He would be so happy when I would bring it to him.
How do you stop the pain, when the only thing you want, is something you can't have. When nothing in the world, could make you as happy as you would be, if the person you loved was back in your arms. What do you do, to make the pain go away? I wish there was something that could fill the void, something that could ease the pain. Something that didn't require drugs or alcohol, or even alchemy! fucking dammit! How did other people survive? If they can do it, then certainly I can. I say fuck you to depression, fuck you to drugs or alcohol. You throw me this shitty brick in my life, and I toss it back to the deep nothingness in the sea. I dont know what I'm trying to say. I say fuck you to life, and the many hurdles you throw at us. I will survive this, and this pain will go away.
Everytime I think about him, it still feels like yesterday. I always said there's no way I could live without him. Everytime I said bye to him, trying to break up with him, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much, and I never wanted him out of my life. I just couldnt be without him. I don't know how I have lived 3 months without him now. But I have no choice, suicide is not my cup of tea. I will not succumb to your wrath.
I'm sorry Adam for treating you the way I did when we were apart. I now know the pain you felt when I broke up with you, and I treated you like shit. I'm sorry for what I did, and I wish I didn't put you through it. You would drink yourself to sleep, and my heart aches that you had to suffer that way. I guess it's a good thing that you left before me, because if I died, you would definitely drink yourself to death. And if me being dead would be the cause of that, then I would feel terrible. If i can feel such a feeling, wherever the afterlife is.
Whenever I play your ipod, I always scroll over the playlist you made. The one titled "I miss her". You made that when we were apart. I always look at it's a constant reminder of what you had to suffer. And I am again truly sorry for that. I suppose in the end, we have to be thankful that it brought us back together better than ever.
I miss you so much Adam. I miss having you hold me while I fall asleep. I miss you being my partner in co-op video games. I would love to have you as my partner in the new Resident Evil, the AI sucks! You would be doing so much better, achieving a lot of head shots. There's even a rifle in it too! So you could snipe the enemies. You loved sniping in video games so much. That was your dream, to be an assassin, a sniper, a pilot.
We were supposed to race each other, but we never had both our cars working, or I would always wuss out. I wish I raced you, you know I would've beaten you. :) You did tell me that you thought I would be a better driver (whether it be drifting, street racing, rallying, whatever) than you. I hope you're practicing up there, for when I come to challenge you!
I have to keep myself so busy, because I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get stuff done, the stuff that requires solo time, alone time at home. Like work on my car, or sell all my shit so I can move, read my books, I can't do anything of the sort. Because when I am by myself, it's so empty, I should be with you.
I can't stop crying.
I miss you babe, I miss you so much. I always wonder what is worse, being a mother and losing your son, being a sister and losing your brother, being a girlfriend and losing your boyfriend. Or even being a child and losing your parent, or your grandparent. WTF! They all suck, they're all terrible. But then I wonder, losing your child, somebody you created, raised, agh shit. I am losing concentration on this. Here's what I think, I think it's hardest when you're the widow, or fiancè or whatever in a relationship, and you lose your signifcant other. At least it's the hardest in the beginning. But then I feel bad for the family, because you can always find another person to love and be in a relationship with. But you can't ever replace the son or daughter you lost. So does that make it easier in the end? Of course you can never replace your significant other, but when you find a new love, the pain lessens in the end.
There are so many tattoos I want to get in remembrance of you. I want to become an air force pilot for you. I want to build that perfect car for you. I want to be that badass that you always said you were. But in reality, you really were the ultimate badass. Hilarious. I loved it when you would say that. I want to be able to fight like you were able to. To have the knowledge you had about guns and computers, and everything I didn't have. I just want to be you, to have something there, to keep alive.
I hope that when I die, that our stuffed animals can come with me. So we can all be together again, your tigers miss you. Panda misses you.
I still have that Tiger puzzle I got you for Christmas... I don't want to do it by myself, I want you to finish it with me. And that LEGO set I got you too, I know if I tried to build it, I would get lost and frustrated and not be able to complete it. And the batman pens I bought you, what am I to do with those? You said you didn't want to use them, because you were scared you would lose them. But now I don't want to use it. Because I don't want to have to lose any of them. And that comb of yours!! Oh my god that comb. You know, the one with the missing teeth, and I would tell you to throw it away, but you didn't want to! I even got you a new comb, but you still used the broken one. It's still in my bathroom, I don't want to remove it. I should've given it to you to be buried with it.
I wish I asked you what you would want me to do with myself if you died before me. I know you would be sad, if you knew you were going to die soon, because there would be nobody to protect me. Don't worry, I'll be strong, and learn to take care of myself. One step at a time. I mean, you and I did have dreams of killing people... of course I can take care of myself!
And I have dirty dishes... come clean them for me! I don't want to wash them... I miss you helping me clean around the place. I miss you taking showers with me. I miss you driving fast for me. I miss you playing with my poofy hair, and always saying how cute I looked when it was curly.
There is no source of comfort, that will equal to the amount that only I can get from you.
I really need to learn alchemy, so I can bring you back to life. If only it were that easy. Maybe building a time machine will be easier. I don't want to lose an arm and leg (full metal reference for those who are unaware).
Well, I'm going to go do stuff, to get my mind off of this, and to maybe actually stop crying over you.
I love you babe, with all my heart.
I can't wait to see you.
Kisses!
I'm over this.
I love you Adam.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
