What do you do?

It's sad when the person closest to you leaves. I have all these things I want to say, but the person that I trusted the most, that I confided in the most, is gone. Who do I say these things to? Especially when I could never be as close to anybody as I was with Adam.

Just the simplest things even. Like, "oh my god work was horrible today!" Or, "look at how crazy my hair is!" There are just so many things, that I wish I could tell him. During lunch, if he wasn't there to take me out, I would always call him and see what he was doing. Before I would leave for work, I would give him kisses goodbye, tell him I loved him, and that I would see him after I get off work. I miss bringing him lunch, because he was tired of eating hamburgers (he worked at five guys at the galleria mall). I loved cooking him scrambled eggs, and making rice, it was one of his favorite dishes, because it was easy, and he disliked me doing much work. He would be so happy when I would bring it to him.

How do you stop the pain, when the only thing you want, is something you can't have. When nothing in the world, could make you as happy as you would be, if the person you loved was back in your arms. What do you do, to make the pain go away? I wish there was something that could fill the void, something that could ease the pain. Something that didn't require drugs or alcohol, or even alchemy! fucking dammit! How did other people survive? If they can do it, then certainly I can. I say fuck you to depression, fuck you to drugs or alcohol. You throw me this shitty brick in my life, and I toss it back to the deep nothingness in the sea. I dont know what I'm trying to say. I say fuck you to life, and the many hurdles you throw at us. I will survive this, and this pain will go away.

Everytime I think about him, it still feels like yesterday. I always said there's no way I could live without him. Everytime I said bye to him, trying to break up with him, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much, and I never wanted him out of my life. I just couldnt be without him. I don't know how I have lived 3 months without him now. But I have no choice, suicide is not my cup of tea. I will not succumb to your wrath.

I'm sorry Adam for treating you the way I did when we were apart. I now know the pain you felt when I broke up with you, and I treated you like shit. I'm sorry for what I did, and I wish I didn't put you through it. You would drink yourself to sleep, and my heart aches that you had to suffer that way. I guess it's a good thing that you left before me, because if I died, you would definitely drink yourself to death. And if me being dead would be the cause of that, then I would feel terrible. If i can feel such a feeling, wherever the afterlife is.

Whenever I play your ipod, I always scroll over the playlist you made. The one titled "I miss her". You made that when we were apart. I always look at it's a constant reminder of what you had to suffer. And I am again truly sorry for that. I suppose in the end, we have to be thankful that it brought us back together better than ever.

I miss you so much Adam. I miss having you hold me while I fall asleep. I miss you being my partner in co-op video games. I would love to have you as my partner in the new Resident Evil, the AI sucks! You would be doing so much better, achieving a lot of head shots. There's even a rifle in it too! So you could snipe the enemies. You loved sniping in video games so much. That was your dream, to be an assassin, a sniper, a pilot.

We were supposed to race each other, but we never had both our cars working, or I would always wuss out. I wish I raced you, you know I would've beaten you. :) You did tell me that you thought I would be a better driver (whether it be drifting, street racing, rallying, whatever) than you. I hope you're practicing up there, for when I come to challenge you!

I have to keep myself so busy, because I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get stuff done, the stuff that requires solo time, alone time at home. Like work on my car, or sell all my shit so I can move, read my books, I can't do anything of the sort. Because when I am by myself, it's so empty, I should be with you.

I can't stop crying.

I miss you babe, I miss you so much. I always wonder what is worse, being a mother and losing your son, being a sister and losing your brother, being a girlfriend and losing your boyfriend. Or even being a child and losing your parent, or your grandparent. WTF! They all suck, they're all terrible. But then I wonder, losing your child, somebody you created, raised, agh shit. I am losing concentration on this. Here's what I think, I think it's hardest when you're the widow, or fiancè or whatever in a relationship, and you lose your signifcant other. At least it's the hardest in the beginning. But then I feel bad for the family, because you can always find another person to love and be in a relationship with. But you can't ever replace the son or daughter you lost. So does that make it easier in the end? Of course you can never replace your significant other, but when you find a new love, the pain lessens in the end.

There are so many tattoos I want to get in remembrance of you. I want to become an air force pilot for you. I want to build that perfect car for you. I want to be that badass that you always said you were. But in reality, you really were the ultimate badass. Hilarious. I loved it when you would say that. I want to be able to fight like you were able to. To have the knowledge you had about guns and computers, and everything I didn't have. I just want to be you, to have something there, to keep alive.

I hope that when I die, that our stuffed animals can come with me. So we can all be together again, your tigers miss you. Panda misses you.

I still have that Tiger puzzle I got you for Christmas... I don't want to do it by myself, I want you to finish it with me. And that LEGO set I got you too, I know if I tried to build it, I would get lost and frustrated and not be able to complete it. And the batman pens I bought you, what am I to do with those? You said you didn't want to use them, because you were scared you would lose them. But now I don't want to use it. Because I don't want to have to lose any of them. And that comb of yours!! Oh my god that comb. You know, the one with the missing teeth, and I would tell you to throw it away, but you didn't want to! I even got you a new comb, but you still used the broken one. It's still in my bathroom, I don't want to remove it. I should've given it to you to be buried with it.

I wish I asked you what you would want me to do with myself if you died before me. I know you would be sad, if you knew you were going to die soon, because there would be nobody to protect me. Don't worry, I'll be strong, and learn to take care of myself. One step at a time. I mean, you and I did have dreams of killing people... of course I can take care of myself!

And I have dirty dishes... come clean them for me! I don't want to wash them... I miss you helping me clean around the place. I miss you taking showers with me. I miss you driving fast for me. I miss you playing with my poofy hair, and always saying how cute I looked when it was curly.

There is no source of comfort, that will equal to the amount that only I can get from you.
I really need to learn alchemy, so I can bring you back to life. If only it were that easy. Maybe building a time machine will be easier. I don't want to lose an arm and leg (full metal reference for those who are unaware).

Well, I'm going to go do stuff, to get my mind off of this, and to maybe actually stop crying over you.

I love you babe, with all my heart.

I can't wait to see you.

Kisses!


I'm over this.

I love you Adam.