The year of firsts

It still hasn't been a year. A year since he has passed away.

His birthday is coming up. I don't want it to. I wish he were still here. I am starting to cry more because it's approaching. I remember his last birthday celebration so vividly. I remember everything we did.

From eating fried chicken ( I don't know why we were eating fried chicken) and playing darts at the local pub. I'm pretty sure we had Korean over the weekend.

The birthday before that we had Korean. It was my treat. Then we took sticker pictures. We were so happy then.

The first birthday I celebrated with you, we weren't going out at the time. But you already had feelings for me. We went to the strip club and had Korean afterwards.

Fuck this. I just miss you so much babe, I want you to come back. I can't stop thinking about you.

Well, this year some friends brought up the idea of going to the strip club and eating Korean for your birthday. I don't know how well I will be able to partake upon this 'celebration' because I will be having my wisdom teeth removed the day prior. But I will be damn well doing my best to be there for you. Although whomever is interested in joining, let me know.

I remember when you would work long shifts, and I would beg for you to come home. I can't do that in this situation. As much as I beg, you won't come home. You are already at home. Just not with us. Your new home. I miss you so fucking much. I wish this pain would just go away. But it never will.

Reveal your true self and then you will see

You will then see who we really are. What disgusting pigs we really, truly are.


I hate all of these emotions that are rushing through myself.

I still miss him. I still miss his smell, his touch. I miss the comfort that he brought. I miss the love that he had to give me, overflowing from his heart. I miss ... fuck, this list could go on forever. Yet why must it take so long to realize that I could never have this? Ever again.

Why must I waste away, drowning myself in tears of sorrow, when they should be tears to be thankful I am still alive?

I have lost him, as he stole my heart. I have lost all faith in love and mankind. I can not love anymore. I do not want my heart to be broken again. With the many hearts that I have destroyed, it was my turn, and it was something that I can not mend. I am now sure that not even time could either. This heart of mine will remain in pieces forever until I die. I suppose I deserve it, I am not the only one. I am stronger then most, but because of this experience, I will now be colder. I will become more selfish, I will not care about anyone else.

I had a nightmare earlier. I hate dreaming about him. I visited him at his former place of employment over the weekend. I thought I could handle it, peacefully, yet the sadness overwhelmed me in the form of tears and anger.

Even my mother mentioned that I need to move on and get over it. She is a fucking cunt for telling me such foolish things.

I am not sure what love is anymore. I am not sure how true my love is for him. Maybe even 'was' for him. I feel this way because in any given situation, no matter how much you love somebody, there will always be something that you deem more worthy than the significant other for your personal gain. And given that substance, that object, whatever or whomever it is, you will feed your hunger and delve into such a darkness that will eat your heart alive. Everybody has done it. Everybody will do it. It is just a matter of time. This makes me sick. The human mind makes me sick.

I hate who we are. I hate myself for it. But because this is how we are constructed, we can not change it.

I love you Adam. I know I do. But with my definition of love, I am starting to wonder why it even exists. If in a single breath, it could be destroyed. Any form of love disdained.

And if you haven't caught on, you know given a certain amount of money, given a condition of life or death, something unexpected, your greed and self-indulgence will always win. You will sell your love for something that you would want more. That is such an unfortunate reality. We are all victims of this.

I have a huge distaste for humanity. It gets worse every second.

doot

So this book that I am reading causes me to hate humanity even more. I already despised it prior to picking it up, but now I detest it. It makes me sick.

On my way to work I wanted to write this long post describing in detail how much I hate this world. But fatigue consumes me, causing me to write a brief post instead.

The book had this one quote that I will probably abide by from now on.

"All things end."

As simple as it was, it was something that we don't exactly realize. Well, I should say we do realize it, we just don't ever want to admit the validity of the aforementioned statement.

When you think about it, it is 100% true. We all have at least one thing in common, and that is we will never walk the earth forever. Our time will come, and we will just be another form of decaying matter, non-existent. Something we once were, will never be in the end.

Something I couldn't stop thinking about after reading it.

Goodnight.

Distractions followed by Decoys

A decoy is necessary for a distraction. Anything. An accident on the highway. A screaming woman begging for help. Anything out of the ordinary.

In this situation. A new found love. Someone living, breathing... real. That's right. A perfect distraction.

I met a guy while on vacation to North Carolina who is absolutely amazing. We have talked everyday on the phone ever since. He is everything I want in a guy, and I don't compare him to Adam at all.

I suppose North Carolina breeds their chivalrous sweethearts well... for the most part at least.

Especially since the guys here are douchebags.

So it has been almost six months since he has passed away. I told myself that by then I will have gotten over this. I obviously have never experienced such a feeling, and I realize that the pain never goes away. It lessens with time, that's for sure. So I am thankful to have survived as long as I have.

I love you Adam, you are irreplaceable on so many levels.

That's how it was like

Today sucks. Well. Today does not suck. I should be thankful for what I do have. However, I am sick, and that causes me to ask, "where's Adam?"

I want to call him and tell him I am sick. I want to call him and tell him to buy me medicine, make me a hot bowl of soup, and place a warm towel over my forehead. But when he was alive, I didn't have to tell him this. All I would have to tell him was that I did not feel too well, and he would immediately do anything he could to reverse that.

Fuck.

I know I have friends that could help me, but dammit, it's not the same. I miss you Adam. I want you to take care of me.

I dislike being sick. I hope I wake up tomorrow fully recovered.

At a Time

Random memory I have been wanting to blog, but kept forgetting to.

During winter, Adam was picking me up from work. I didn't get out at the scheduled time, in fact I didn't get out until an hour after. When I finally clocked out, went outside, I saw Adam standing in the parking garage, next to the stairs with a huge smile on his face. I was so happy to see him. It turns out he had been waiting out in the cold for the whole hour. He's so cute. I asked him why he didn't just wait in the car, and he said he thought I was going to get out on time. He said he kept waiting, and waiting, telling himself I would be done any minute. He told me his toes were freezing!

Sigh.

Such a true gentleman he was. He loved me so much... to wait outside in the freezing weather for me. How sweet.

I loves you babe.

Nostalgic

It's a funny thing. This thing called emotions. It's what makes us human. It's what drives us, what compels us. Oh, this post will most likely be a long one, so don't waste your time reading it unless you have nothing better to do.

Most likely, you have nothing better to do. Carry on with the reading!

Most of the time it's what hurts us, and when it hurts us, it hurts worse then anything ever imagined. I miss Adam so much. My birthday... today, is something that I am not looking forward to experiencing. I usually look forward to it. There has been more than one occasion where I cried during my birthday, tears of sadness mind you. I cried for my birthday in 2006 and in 2008. I do not remember what happened in 2007, I'll have to refer to my diary to remember. I cried in '06 because the guy I was dating at the time completely forgot, and did not even call. I think my Dad forgot about it too because he called like a minute after my birthday had ended. It's actually kind of sad... I went and played bingo by myself and started balling because two important people forgot about it. This family was so kind enough to let me play with them, turns out their son was also celebrating his birthday. They even bought me a present at the little redemption counter too! It's a very interesting thing that the people that actually did something for you, are complete strangers. Maybe there is some hope after all with humanity. I still have plenty of doubt, but it's out there.

In '08 I cried because Adam said he was going to show up at the apartment, but didn't show up until about 4 hours later. I don't remember, some ridiculous time later. It was because of his job at the time. I was pissed because I told him to request off, and he put his job before me. The one day I get to be selfish. I really don't remember exactly... I could be exaggerating about this. This was when we were going through our rough patch so I guess I shouldn't be mad at him for it. At the time I definitely was, and looking back I should have just been thankful that he even made it.

Today to me is just like any other day. I do not feel like it is 'my' day. Maybe if Adam were here it would be another story. I would've asked him to take me out to one of those fancy restaurants. The ones where the check is three digits long. I assume the restaurant of choice would've been III Forks. We had dinner there for Valentine's once, and it was one of the best experiences I shared with him. It was so romantic. Sigh.

Adam would ask me what I want this year. I would tell him that dinner is all that I want, and to spend time with you. But he would still go out of his way to buy me something. He probably would've gotten something expensive, but sentimental. He knew how much I disliked jewelry, but he probably would've gotten another fancy piece from the same place he always goes to. This jewelry store at the Galleria mall.

Oh I love him so much. I still wear that ring you gave me. That promise ring. You gave it to me for our 2 year anniversary/Christmas present. We started going out 2 days before Christmas.

Why are you still reading this?!?! I don't even know why I'm worried if this post is entertaining you or not. I only started this to benefit myself, to cater to my needs, my own form of therapy. Yet I am for some reason apologizing again for how long this will be.

Back to the story.

That was all you gave me over the holidays. That was all that you gave me when it was way more than what I asked for. I did however ask you to wrap my present before you gave it to me. You laughed and hesitated, asked if you really had to do it, and why I didn't want to accept it the way it was. I said "Please?! It will be so cute if it was wrapped!" So you did, you went into my closet, and it took you forever! As I predicted though, the wrapping was quite possibly the cutest thing ever. When I tore the wrapping off I noticed the box was from the jewelry store. You were so nervous about it. You kept repeating that it's not what I think it is. It's not what I think it is. I couldn't stop laughing at you! Not in a mean way of course, you were too cute for that kind of laughter. I proceeded to open the box, the box that was smaller than the palm of my hand. There laid everything our relationship had meant to us. In the form of all that is diamonds and gold. In the center was an Emerald, not because it is my birthstone, but because you knew it was my favorite color. You again repeated the same thing, "it's not what I think it is". At this moment I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheek. Fucking emotions. I am crying now but not in the same way I was crying then.

You gently took the ring out of the box, explaining its importance while examining it. You told me that it was a promise ring. As you put it on my finger you said it represents what we shared in the past, what we are experiencing in the present, and what our future entails for us both. You said that you will always be there for me. You said that it was to show that you promise to be there for me for the rest of our lives. FUCK. I remember that day so clearly. I was so happy... so happy to say that I was yours. I felt so safe around you, to know that you were there for me no matter what.

DAMMIT!

I need to hit something.

I really shouldn't be typing this up in somebody's home. I can't stop crying.

I might write more about this later when I get back home. This memory is so precious to me, I want to make sure I don't leave out any important details.

That Christmas was one of the best I have ever had. Actually, it is the best I have ever had.

Fuck you world.

I wanted to text Adam yesterday. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to text him, because I would've been expecting him to text me back. I didn't want to be let down, when I know that there would be no response. Oh babe, you are still on my speed dial. You are the only one on my speed dial, aside from the voicemail having to be defaulted as number one.

On your phone I am number one on your speed dial. I am the only one. I don't know how you managed to do that. So special I feel.

I loves you babe, always and forever. Kisses. You better be practicing your intro and exiting with the corners, I will take you so hard when I see you.

Oh! I'm not with them, but I know Panda, Tiger, and baby Tiger say hello and that they miss you and love you bunches.