Nostalgic

It's a funny thing. This thing called emotions. It's what makes us human. It's what drives us, what compels us. Oh, this post will most likely be a long one, so don't waste your time reading it unless you have nothing better to do.

Most likely, you have nothing better to do. Carry on with the reading!

Most of the time it's what hurts us, and when it hurts us, it hurts worse then anything ever imagined. I miss Adam so much. My birthday... today, is something that I am not looking forward to experiencing. I usually look forward to it. There has been more than one occasion where I cried during my birthday, tears of sadness mind you. I cried for my birthday in 2006 and in 2008. I do not remember what happened in 2007, I'll have to refer to my diary to remember. I cried in '06 because the guy I was dating at the time completely forgot, and did not even call. I think my Dad forgot about it too because he called like a minute after my birthday had ended. It's actually kind of sad... I went and played bingo by myself and started balling because two important people forgot about it. This family was so kind enough to let me play with them, turns out their son was also celebrating his birthday. They even bought me a present at the little redemption counter too! It's a very interesting thing that the people that actually did something for you, are complete strangers. Maybe there is some hope after all with humanity. I still have plenty of doubt, but it's out there.

In '08 I cried because Adam said he was going to show up at the apartment, but didn't show up until about 4 hours later. I don't remember, some ridiculous time later. It was because of his job at the time. I was pissed because I told him to request off, and he put his job before me. The one day I get to be selfish. I really don't remember exactly... I could be exaggerating about this. This was when we were going through our rough patch so I guess I shouldn't be mad at him for it. At the time I definitely was, and looking back I should have just been thankful that he even made it.

Today to me is just like any other day. I do not feel like it is 'my' day. Maybe if Adam were here it would be another story. I would've asked him to take me out to one of those fancy restaurants. The ones where the check is three digits long. I assume the restaurant of choice would've been III Forks. We had dinner there for Valentine's once, and it was one of the best experiences I shared with him. It was so romantic. Sigh.

Adam would ask me what I want this year. I would tell him that dinner is all that I want, and to spend time with you. But he would still go out of his way to buy me something. He probably would've gotten something expensive, but sentimental. He knew how much I disliked jewelry, but he probably would've gotten another fancy piece from the same place he always goes to. This jewelry store at the Galleria mall.

Oh I love him so much. I still wear that ring you gave me. That promise ring. You gave it to me for our 2 year anniversary/Christmas present. We started going out 2 days before Christmas.

Why are you still reading this?!?! I don't even know why I'm worried if this post is entertaining you or not. I only started this to benefit myself, to cater to my needs, my own form of therapy. Yet I am for some reason apologizing again for how long this will be.

Back to the story.

That was all you gave me over the holidays. That was all that you gave me when it was way more than what I asked for. I did however ask you to wrap my present before you gave it to me. You laughed and hesitated, asked if you really had to do it, and why I didn't want to accept it the way it was. I said "Please?! It will be so cute if it was wrapped!" So you did, you went into my closet, and it took you forever! As I predicted though, the wrapping was quite possibly the cutest thing ever. When I tore the wrapping off I noticed the box was from the jewelry store. You were so nervous about it. You kept repeating that it's not what I think it is. It's not what I think it is. I couldn't stop laughing at you! Not in a mean way of course, you were too cute for that kind of laughter. I proceeded to open the box, the box that was smaller than the palm of my hand. There laid everything our relationship had meant to us. In the form of all that is diamonds and gold. In the center was an Emerald, not because it is my birthstone, but because you knew it was my favorite color. You again repeated the same thing, "it's not what I think it is". At this moment I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheek. Fucking emotions. I am crying now but not in the same way I was crying then.

You gently took the ring out of the box, explaining its importance while examining it. You told me that it was a promise ring. As you put it on my finger you said it represents what we shared in the past, what we are experiencing in the present, and what our future entails for us both. You said that you will always be there for me. You said that it was to show that you promise to be there for me for the rest of our lives. FUCK. I remember that day so clearly. I was so happy... so happy to say that I was yours. I felt so safe around you, to know that you were there for me no matter what.

DAMMIT!

I need to hit something.

I really shouldn't be typing this up in somebody's home. I can't stop crying.

I might write more about this later when I get back home. This memory is so precious to me, I want to make sure I don't leave out any important details.

That Christmas was one of the best I have ever had. Actually, it is the best I have ever had.

Fuck you world.

I wanted to text Adam yesterday. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to text him, because I would've been expecting him to text me back. I didn't want to be let down, when I know that there would be no response. Oh babe, you are still on my speed dial. You are the only one on my speed dial, aside from the voicemail having to be defaulted as number one.

On your phone I am number one on your speed dial. I am the only one. I don't know how you managed to do that. So special I feel.

I loves you babe, always and forever. Kisses. You better be practicing your intro and exiting with the corners, I will take you so hard when I see you.

Oh! I'm not with them, but I know Panda, Tiger, and baby Tiger say hello and that they miss you and love you bunches.