Untitled part 2

I remember some of the things that I wanted to say now.

First off, I want to thank my friends for helping me through this. I know without them I would not be able to survive any of this. I can't stand staying at home for awhile, at least by myself that is. So getting out of the house, or having friends over definitely helps cope with the healing process... so thank you guys again. And I can't believe I forgot something as simple as that. Please excuse me, I'm so scatter brained (one of the symptoms of grieving, in case you didn't know).

Second, a question I don't usually know how to answer.

"How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" And many others along that context. I never know if they're referring to how I am dealing with this, or how I am in general. When I ask what they're referring to they say, just tell me anything. Of course even with that said, I still don't know how to respond. I want to spill my guts or cry my heart out every time somebody asks me that. I want to tell them that it's a fucking heartache that I have to dwell over. But of course to keep the mood light (because most of the time it's at work that I get asked this), I usually respond with "oh it's going well" or "I'm doing much better". All lies. At least most of it. There is some truth to it, because I can say that I am doing better. But I am not at my best. I always wish that he would walk in that door, and I would get to see him one last time. But I know that's impossible.

Third, I feel so wrong for saying this, but at the same time, I shouldn't.

Every time I see a couple, anytime, anywhere, jealousy consumes me. I hate jealousy, I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it. I say in my head that you guys are so damn lucky. You should make every moment count, in case your significant other passes away. Anytime, when they're holding hands, when they're smiling at each other, giving each other kisses. I can't be in the same room alone with them. I always think of how much Adam loved it when I would lock arms with him, instead of holding his hands. He preferred it that way. As did I. He said he feels like he's protecting me more in that way, versus us holding hands. I did too. For fun (on occasion) I would tease him, I would put my hand out there for him to grab it. But then I would retract my hand to see his reaction. He would be like, "hey! Why did you do that?" And I would laugh, give him some kisses, and grab his hand and hold it tightly to make up for it.

I need to go to bed, it's late. More to come soon.

Goodnight. I love you Adam. I always will. Forever and ever.