I remember some of the things that I wanted to say now.
First off, I want to thank my friends for helping me through this. I know without them I would not be able to survive any of this. I can't stand staying at home for awhile, at least by myself that is. So getting out of the house, or having friends over definitely helps cope with the healing process... so thank you guys again. And I can't believe I forgot something as simple as that. Please excuse me, I'm so scatter brained (one of the symptoms of grieving, in case you didn't know).
Second, a question I don't usually know how to answer.
"How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" And many others along that context. I never know if they're referring to how I am dealing with this, or how I am in general. When I ask what they're referring to they say, just tell me anything. Of course even with that said, I still don't know how to respond. I want to spill my guts or cry my heart out every time somebody asks me that. I want to tell them that it's a fucking heartache that I have to dwell over. But of course to keep the mood light (because most of the time it's at work that I get asked this), I usually respond with "oh it's going well" or "I'm doing much better". All lies. At least most of it. There is some truth to it, because I can say that I am doing better. But I am not at my best. I always wish that he would walk in that door, and I would get to see him one last time. But I know that's impossible.
Third, I feel so wrong for saying this, but at the same time, I shouldn't.
Every time I see a couple, anytime, anywhere, jealousy consumes me. I hate jealousy, I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it. I say in my head that you guys are so damn lucky. You should make every moment count, in case your significant other passes away. Anytime, when they're holding hands, when they're smiling at each other, giving each other kisses. I can't be in the same room alone with them. I always think of how much Adam loved it when I would lock arms with him, instead of holding his hands. He preferred it that way. As did I. He said he feels like he's protecting me more in that way, versus us holding hands. I did too. For fun (on occasion) I would tease him, I would put my hand out there for him to grab it. But then I would retract my hand to see his reaction. He would be like, "hey! Why did you do that?" And I would laugh, give him some kisses, and grab his hand and hold it tightly to make up for it.
I need to go to bed, it's late. More to come soon.
Goodnight. I love you Adam. I always will. Forever and ever.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Untitled
It's almost been three months now. Since Adam passed. I remember the first month being the longest and hardest month I have ever endured. I never thought I would make it out alive. But if I was able to make it through that month, and the month after that... I can easily make it past the third month. And the fourth, and then a year. It sucks, when someone you love dies, because death is all I think about. Last night I started freaking out because my mom was running late. I kept running all these scenarios in my head, and how I would have to make all these calls to cancel credit cards, accounts, and tell the children's parents that their baby sitter has passed.
I noticed I don't cry as much anymore. I noticed that more time then before has passed when he wasn't on my mind. They say that the first two months are going to be the roughest. I'm glad they're over with.
One thing that's difficult is that I haven't been single in six years. And being single for 3 months now is making me go crazy! Adam was right when he said that I was the type who can't be alone. I want him back so bad.
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about... but due to my shitty memory, I can't remember them.
I'll just close with a wonderful memory I have of Adam.
We finally have the keys to our new apartment in Lewisville. It was our first apartment together, just us. I wanted to paint the whole bedroom... I think this was a bad idea to start with. But it was hilarious because Adam kept getting paint all over him, so out of frustration he took off all his clothes and started painting naked. I could not stop laughing, not only because he was painting in the nude, but he still had his socks on! I remember attacking him with brown paint. Sigh. I wish I was an english major, because this whole scenario is so much better in my head then what I have posted. It was just fucking hilarious and I miss him so damn much. End of story.
I noticed I don't cry as much anymore. I noticed that more time then before has passed when he wasn't on my mind. They say that the first two months are going to be the roughest. I'm glad they're over with.
One thing that's difficult is that I haven't been single in six years. And being single for 3 months now is making me go crazy! Adam was right when he said that I was the type who can't be alone. I want him back so bad.
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about... but due to my shitty memory, I can't remember them.
I'll just close with a wonderful memory I have of Adam.
We finally have the keys to our new apartment in Lewisville. It was our first apartment together, just us. I wanted to paint the whole bedroom... I think this was a bad idea to start with. But it was hilarious because Adam kept getting paint all over him, so out of frustration he took off all his clothes and started painting naked. I could not stop laughing, not only because he was painting in the nude, but he still had his socks on! I remember attacking him with brown paint. Sigh. I wish I was an english major, because this whole scenario is so much better in my head then what I have posted. It was just fucking hilarious and I miss him so damn much. End of story.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Too good to be true
I just woke up from a nightmare/dream I suppose? This is the second dream I have had of Adam actually being in it. In my dream Adam had pulled up in his black 240 (Nissan) and walked up to me. He looked the same as he always did, so sexy. :) He gave me my usual kisses on the lips (like he always would whenever he came up to me) and they were so real. He told me that he missed me and asked how I was doing. I told him that I missed him so much and that I wanted him back. He replied by saying that I'm so lucky to be here that I shouldn't wish such things. I told him that it isn't the same without you, and as he was about to tell me something of importance, I woke up crying. It felt so real, his kisses, him talking to me. I can't believe I had a dream like that, because usually in my dreams I usually can't ever find him (because I know in real life he's dead, blah blah blah).
I saw the movie I Love You, Man yesterday. It was pretty hilarious. Although when the main characters got married in it, I started tearing up. I kept thinking, "I wonder what our wedding would've looked like?" I kept imagining Adam's smile, as he would see me walk down that aisle. I can't describe what it would be like, but I know that our wedding would've been amazing. But I should stop with that nonsense. That irreplaceable nonsense and face reality.
So I am not completely sure as to whether what I am about to tell you will be completely out of the ordinary or not. I'm sure everybody worries about their loved one whenever they go out somewhere, right? I know I did that constantly with Adam. But would it freak you out if I told you I knew when Adam was going to die? I think everybody has this, like a sixth sense type of thing. I know shortly before his death I became extra paranoid that he was going to die in a car accident. I just knew he would. I know Wednesday before he passed, when he was going to see a friend in Denton, as he was leaving my sight, I told myself to get one last look at him because I had a feeling it would be the last time. Would it scare you if I said that on his last day, after dropping me off, as he was driving away, I did the same thing? I told myself again, "look at him, it might the last time you see him". I guess it isn't something that should freak people out, and that this is normal. But ever since I was young I always had these sixth sense type of things. Ok, let's not go into it because I could go on forever trying to prove my 'ability'. HAHA. Crazy, yes.
So when I heard the news as I was in the hospital room, surrounded by his family, the shock that I went through. The first thing that came to mind was, "there is no way that I was right". I could not believe it. It had to be a joke, and he had to still be alive. But it was real and it wasn't a joke. My gut instinct was correct, it was correct about him dying and the way he died.
Sigh.
In saying that, I have another bad instinct, I don't want to mention it because I don't want to jinx myself. But when that time comes, I'll be ready.
I saw the movie I Love You, Man yesterday. It was pretty hilarious. Although when the main characters got married in it, I started tearing up. I kept thinking, "I wonder what our wedding would've looked like?" I kept imagining Adam's smile, as he would see me walk down that aisle. I can't describe what it would be like, but I know that our wedding would've been amazing. But I should stop with that nonsense. That irreplaceable nonsense and face reality.
So I am not completely sure as to whether what I am about to tell you will be completely out of the ordinary or not. I'm sure everybody worries about their loved one whenever they go out somewhere, right? I know I did that constantly with Adam. But would it freak you out if I told you I knew when Adam was going to die? I think everybody has this, like a sixth sense type of thing. I know shortly before his death I became extra paranoid that he was going to die in a car accident. I just knew he would. I know Wednesday before he passed, when he was going to see a friend in Denton, as he was leaving my sight, I told myself to get one last look at him because I had a feeling it would be the last time. Would it scare you if I said that on his last day, after dropping me off, as he was driving away, I did the same thing? I told myself again, "look at him, it might the last time you see him". I guess it isn't something that should freak people out, and that this is normal. But ever since I was young I always had these sixth sense type of things. Ok, let's not go into it because I could go on forever trying to prove my 'ability'. HAHA. Crazy, yes.
So when I heard the news as I was in the hospital room, surrounded by his family, the shock that I went through. The first thing that came to mind was, "there is no way that I was right". I could not believe it. It had to be a joke, and he had to still be alive. But it was real and it wasn't a joke. My gut instinct was correct, it was correct about him dying and the way he died.
Sigh.
In saying that, I have another bad instinct, I don't want to mention it because I don't want to jinx myself. But when that time comes, I'll be ready.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
No pain no gain
Just a random thought, to show you how amazing Adam was.
I ask this question to almost every guy I date, just to see how much they actually love me, or care about me.
"If somebody were to come up to you, and tell you they would give you a million dollars, if you punched me in the face, would you?"
When I asked Adam this, without hesitation, he said there was no way he could do it. He said no matter how much money somebody gave him, he wouldn't be able to hurt me. I asked him, "what if I told you to do it, and I wanted you to do it, so we could have the money?" He replied with the same answer, that he didn't want to hurt me.
Whenever I'd ask anybody else, they would always say yes. They might ask under what conditions first, such as how hard they had to hit me, or if I would let them hit me. Whenever I would say no, they would argue and say that I should let them hit me since it's such a great deal of money.
Just goes to show you what a true gentleman Adam was.
I love you babe. I think about you constantly. I wish you were still here with me, but you are gone for a reason.
Love,
Kristine
I ask this question to almost every guy I date, just to see how much they actually love me, or care about me.
"If somebody were to come up to you, and tell you they would give you a million dollars, if you punched me in the face, would you?"
When I asked Adam this, without hesitation, he said there was no way he could do it. He said no matter how much money somebody gave him, he wouldn't be able to hurt me. I asked him, "what if I told you to do it, and I wanted you to do it, so we could have the money?" He replied with the same answer, that he didn't want to hurt me.
Whenever I'd ask anybody else, they would always say yes. They might ask under what conditions first, such as how hard they had to hit me, or if I would let them hit me. Whenever I would say no, they would argue and say that I should let them hit me since it's such a great deal of money.
Just goes to show you what a true gentleman Adam was.
I love you babe. I think about you constantly. I wish you were still here with me, but you are gone for a reason.
Love,
Kristine
Monday, March 16, 2009
Oh the memories
Oh my beloved, I never realized how much you spoiled me until you left for good. I mean, when we weren't together, I realized it then. But now that you are completely gone, I never realized to what extent it was.
I mean of course I miss your company period, but even the little things I will appreciate for life.
I miss you opening doors for me everywhere we went. I miss you massaging me every night when I didn't ask you to, and you didn't expect one in return. I remember when I said let's give each other one, and we should spend the same amount of time for each other, but when you gave me mine you spent more time giving one to me. I told you that you didn't have to keep going, but you wanted to, and that you didn't care how long it took... I especially miss falling asleep to you giving me one. I miss when you would give me kisses all over, to relax me from a hard day at work. I miss you always taking me out to eat, because you knew how much I loved it. And you wouldn't care how often we went out, or what I ordered. You always went everywhere with me. Even if you didn't feel like going, or didn't like where we were headed . You never complained or rushed me. I was so happy when you came and saved me from the Allen outlets when my mom kidnapped me. Without hesitation you were willing to drive so far just to pick me up and rescue me.
On occasion I would be too lazy to get out of bed to brush my teeth. I didn't have to ask you, immediately you would go get a cup of water, and my toothbrush with toothpaste on it and bring it to me. I miss you washing the dishes for me, when I never told you to. You always put my needs before yours. You would take me to work, or pick me up and it didn't seem to bother you or be of inconvenience. You would always come visit me during lunch. Whenever we went grocery shopping, you would carry all the heavy groceries and have me carry very few. When I moved with you to Denton, you didn't want me to give you any money to help with the bills. I loved how you would wait until I was asleep, before you went to sleep. Even though it only took me seconds to do so, when it took you at least 30 minutes. You were my bug killer! How am I supposed to kill bugs now? I remember one time you were asleep, and I went to the restroom, and there was a bug, and I woke you up to kill it. You didn't ignore me, or get frustrated with me, you slowly got out of bed, killed it, gave me a kiss, laughed a bit, and then went back to bed.
Sigh.
There is so much more that you did for me. And I am so grateful to have experienced such bliss. I'm glad that we spent every second we could with each other. I always felt bad whenever I would tell my friends that I wanted to spend time with you, instead of hang out with them. But after being put in this situation, I don't regret it one bit. I only wish we could've spent more time together.
I can't wait to drift with you in heaven. I loves you bunches...
Kristine
I mean of course I miss your company period, but even the little things I will appreciate for life.
I miss you opening doors for me everywhere we went. I miss you massaging me every night when I didn't ask you to, and you didn't expect one in return. I remember when I said let's give each other one, and we should spend the same amount of time for each other, but when you gave me mine you spent more time giving one to me. I told you that you didn't have to keep going, but you wanted to, and that you didn't care how long it took... I especially miss falling asleep to you giving me one. I miss when you would give me kisses all over, to relax me from a hard day at work. I miss you always taking me out to eat, because you knew how much I loved it. And you wouldn't care how often we went out, or what I ordered. You always went everywhere with me. Even if you didn't feel like going, or didn't like where we were headed . You never complained or rushed me. I was so happy when you came and saved me from the Allen outlets when my mom kidnapped me. Without hesitation you were willing to drive so far just to pick me up and rescue me.
On occasion I would be too lazy to get out of bed to brush my teeth. I didn't have to ask you, immediately you would go get a cup of water, and my toothbrush with toothpaste on it and bring it to me. I miss you washing the dishes for me, when I never told you to. You always put my needs before yours. You would take me to work, or pick me up and it didn't seem to bother you or be of inconvenience. You would always come visit me during lunch. Whenever we went grocery shopping, you would carry all the heavy groceries and have me carry very few. When I moved with you to Denton, you didn't want me to give you any money to help with the bills. I loved how you would wait until I was asleep, before you went to sleep. Even though it only took me seconds to do so, when it took you at least 30 minutes. You were my bug killer! How am I supposed to kill bugs now? I remember one time you were asleep, and I went to the restroom, and there was a bug, and I woke you up to kill it. You didn't ignore me, or get frustrated with me, you slowly got out of bed, killed it, gave me a kiss, laughed a bit, and then went back to bed.
Sigh.
There is so much more that you did for me. And I am so grateful to have experienced such bliss. I'm glad that we spent every second we could with each other. I always felt bad whenever I would tell my friends that I wanted to spend time with you, instead of hang out with them. But after being put in this situation, I don't regret it one bit. I only wish we could've spent more time together.
I can't wait to drift with you in heaven. I loves you bunches...
Kristine
Thursday, March 12, 2009
What we don't realize
You know I spend a lot of time thinking how I wish Adam were still here in my life. I shouldn't waste time on the fact that he can't come back, I tell myself I should be thankful for everything I do have.
I was reading a book, and there was a story about a young man who lost his eyesight due to an accident. He was so depressed and didn't want to live anymore. Until somebody told him to record a list of things that he could still do. Just anything. Like the fact that he could still smell the flowers in his room. The little things.
I tell myself that I am thankful for so many things. Even though Adam had to pass away, I'm thankful that I didn't have to witness the accident firsthand. If I was in the car with him when the accident happened, I would be devastated having had to witness his death. I would feel guilty and think whether I could've done something to save him. I'm thankful that I got to kiss him goodbye, one last time. I'm thankful that we were back together, and we were both happy and in love before he died. I'm thankful that we didn't have a fight and we weren't mad at each other. I'm thankful that we got to spend time with our friends the night before and had a blast. I'm thankful that he died the way he did, and that he didn't have to suffer. Thankful for having met such a wonderful person, and having him show me what love actually is.
And even though I would do anything to bring him back, I'm thankful that he passed away. Why do you ask? Since I can not bring him back to life, I have to be thankful that he died peacefully. What if he had survived that accident and became paralyzed? Or his legs had to be amputated? Or even if he had to be hospitalized for a ridiculous amount of time? As painful as it is to say, and as much as I wished he survived his accident, I know that if he suffered permanent injuries that would cause him to become handicapped, he would be depressed. I know I would take care of him, but even then he would still be depressed. He loved to take care of me and his family. He always wanted to be there for us, and never wanted us to do any hard labor. He would be depressed because God had robbed him of something he was passionate about doing. So with that I am thankful that you are in a better place.
I mean, look at this recession! You're lucky you don't have to go through this!
Of course I always wonder, what if you were still alive? I know we would've gotten married. We always talked about our dream house. How our garage would have a lift so we could work on our cars and make them drift ready! We would have an awesome game room with tons of video games and top of the line computers. Our kitchen would be supreme and make the cooks of Iron Chef jealous!
But what money couldn't buy, I would look forward to you coming home from work, me with open arms, awaiting your embrace, your warmth, your kisses, showering me with your love.
Adam, I miss you terribly. I can't wait to see you. Trust me when I say that there is nobody like you here on earth.
Forever in love with you,
Kristine
I was reading a book, and there was a story about a young man who lost his eyesight due to an accident. He was so depressed and didn't want to live anymore. Until somebody told him to record a list of things that he could still do. Just anything. Like the fact that he could still smell the flowers in his room. The little things.
I tell myself that I am thankful for so many things. Even though Adam had to pass away, I'm thankful that I didn't have to witness the accident firsthand. If I was in the car with him when the accident happened, I would be devastated having had to witness his death. I would feel guilty and think whether I could've done something to save him. I'm thankful that I got to kiss him goodbye, one last time. I'm thankful that we were back together, and we were both happy and in love before he died. I'm thankful that we didn't have a fight and we weren't mad at each other. I'm thankful that we got to spend time with our friends the night before and had a blast. I'm thankful that he died the way he did, and that he didn't have to suffer. Thankful for having met such a wonderful person, and having him show me what love actually is.
And even though I would do anything to bring him back, I'm thankful that he passed away. Why do you ask? Since I can not bring him back to life, I have to be thankful that he died peacefully. What if he had survived that accident and became paralyzed? Or his legs had to be amputated? Or even if he had to be hospitalized for a ridiculous amount of time? As painful as it is to say, and as much as I wished he survived his accident, I know that if he suffered permanent injuries that would cause him to become handicapped, he would be depressed. I know I would take care of him, but even then he would still be depressed. He loved to take care of me and his family. He always wanted to be there for us, and never wanted us to do any hard labor. He would be depressed because God had robbed him of something he was passionate about doing. So with that I am thankful that you are in a better place.
I mean, look at this recession! You're lucky you don't have to go through this!
Of course I always wonder, what if you were still alive? I know we would've gotten married. We always talked about our dream house. How our garage would have a lift so we could work on our cars and make them drift ready! We would have an awesome game room with tons of video games and top of the line computers. Our kitchen would be supreme and make the cooks of Iron Chef jealous!
But what money couldn't buy, I would look forward to you coming home from work, me with open arms, awaiting your embrace, your warmth, your kisses, showering me with your love.
Adam, I miss you terribly. I can't wait to see you. Trust me when I say that there is nobody like you here on earth.
Forever in love with you,
Kristine
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Goodbye Adam Mason
January 11, 2009.
It never occurred to me that the 11th of January, in the year 2009, you would be departing from this place.
Typing this brings tears to my eyes. I miss you so much... not a day goes by that I don't think about you. in fact, not an hour goes by where I don't think about you... unless I'm asleep.
I can't believe it's only been two months. It feels like a year that you've been away. Tiger, baby tiger, and Panda all miss you too. My apartment is so lonely without you. I can't fall asleep as fast as I used to. I realized the only reason I was able to sleep so fast was because you held me in your arms and gave me kisses goodnight.
I will never forget you, your smile, your laughter, all the love you had to give to me and everybody else. I have never met anybody like you, and I really do mean that. I don't think I'll ever meet anybody that would even come close to what you were.
Since this is the first post, I will give a brief synopsis (would that be the right terminology? my vocabulary is so bad).
Adam Mason, he passed away at the age of 22, in a car accident. A truck ran a red light and hit his drivers side. He just dropped me off at work, and was heading back to my apartment.
We were going out for over two years, we broke up in the middle of it for a little bit, I wish we didn't, but when we got back together our relationship was better than it had ever been.
Sigh. I have to be somewhere, so I'll finish this later.
I love you Adam, I love you with all my heart.
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