Eh

It seems suppressing the feelings fails... especially when I have dreams about him. In it I had called him and he didn't reply, and I was concerned because it had been 11 days since I had last heard from him. Ah fuck, I wont go into detail, but I confronted him before these 11 days, and said I was sad because it feels like you're going to die again. I don't know how he was alive again in the first place... but he then started crying.

Ah shit, this is bullshit. It has been over 10 months and it still hurts. I hate waking up from dreams like that. It's fucking 4am, and I need to be at work in two hours. I only wish more people understand how I feel.

Damn that dream was so real. To see him again. So nice, yet so miserable.
Alright I am done typing.

Avoiding the inevitable = Impossible

I do not know why.

I do not have the answers.

I can not tell you this will be easy.

This will be unlike anything you have ever experienced.

I wish mourning the loss of someone were easy. I wish the pain would go away. I constantly suppress my grief. I mask it, I despise it. Yet no matter what I do, it will always be there. I need to stop running away from it. I can't ignore it. That matter proved itself to be true. I (which I haven't done since the week Adam passed) completely lost it today.

I wish I could have controlled myself. But I was unable to do so. I was only fortunate enough that my bfff (not a typo) was really close by when I did to help calm me down.

The time before today I was luckily not by myself. That time I was with Adam's friends and family. Sigh. It's such an ugly sight to bear witness to.

I suppose I will tell you now, so if anybody else has to see it, they know what to expect.

I scream, I yell, I cry uncontrollably.
I punch walls no matter how hard it hurts.

Sigh.

I just miss him. I think about all the times I yelled at him, and wish I had not done so.

One time especially I was trying to get some documents signed for my early release from probation. Well, long story short, I was frustrated because Adam woke up late and because he did, I missed the time slot to have my papers signed. The location was in McKinney, and by then it was about the 3rd time I had driven up there only to find the office was 'closed' or whatever bullshit they had that day. I even called beforehand to make sure they would be open, but they had some stupid meeting or something when I got there. So I lost it, got completely frustrated and started screaming. Adam (by this time) was familiar with my 'routine' when I get angry and he said that I can punch him if I needed to. At first I told him it wasn't necessary. But out of nowhere, without me warning him, I punched him as hard as I could. In the arm at least, I'm not that cruel. I know he wasn't mad that I did that, but I still feel bad about doing it. I yelled at him so much that day. I wish I didn't, thinking back on it.

Well, you can't live life regretting something like that. Sigh. Even though I said it then, I will say it again. I am sorry babe for doing that to you.

Fuck it all.

The year of firsts

It still hasn't been a year. A year since he has passed away.

His birthday is coming up. I don't want it to. I wish he were still here. I am starting to cry more because it's approaching. I remember his last birthday celebration so vividly. I remember everything we did.

From eating fried chicken ( I don't know why we were eating fried chicken) and playing darts at the local pub. I'm pretty sure we had Korean over the weekend.

The birthday before that we had Korean. It was my treat. Then we took sticker pictures. We were so happy then.

The first birthday I celebrated with you, we weren't going out at the time. But you already had feelings for me. We went to the strip club and had Korean afterwards.

Fuck this. I just miss you so much babe, I want you to come back. I can't stop thinking about you.

Well, this year some friends brought up the idea of going to the strip club and eating Korean for your birthday. I don't know how well I will be able to partake upon this 'celebration' because I will be having my wisdom teeth removed the day prior. But I will be damn well doing my best to be there for you. Although whomever is interested in joining, let me know.

I remember when you would work long shifts, and I would beg for you to come home. I can't do that in this situation. As much as I beg, you won't come home. You are already at home. Just not with us. Your new home. I miss you so fucking much. I wish this pain would just go away. But it never will.

Reveal your true self and then you will see

You will then see who we really are. What disgusting pigs we really, truly are.


I hate all of these emotions that are rushing through myself.

I still miss him. I still miss his smell, his touch. I miss the comfort that he brought. I miss the love that he had to give me, overflowing from his heart. I miss ... fuck, this list could go on forever. Yet why must it take so long to realize that I could never have this? Ever again.

Why must I waste away, drowning myself in tears of sorrow, when they should be tears to be thankful I am still alive?

I have lost him, as he stole my heart. I have lost all faith in love and mankind. I can not love anymore. I do not want my heart to be broken again. With the many hearts that I have destroyed, it was my turn, and it was something that I can not mend. I am now sure that not even time could either. This heart of mine will remain in pieces forever until I die. I suppose I deserve it, I am not the only one. I am stronger then most, but because of this experience, I will now be colder. I will become more selfish, I will not care about anyone else.

I had a nightmare earlier. I hate dreaming about him. I visited him at his former place of employment over the weekend. I thought I could handle it, peacefully, yet the sadness overwhelmed me in the form of tears and anger.

Even my mother mentioned that I need to move on and get over it. She is a fucking cunt for telling me such foolish things.

I am not sure what love is anymore. I am not sure how true my love is for him. Maybe even 'was' for him. I feel this way because in any given situation, no matter how much you love somebody, there will always be something that you deem more worthy than the significant other for your personal gain. And given that substance, that object, whatever or whomever it is, you will feed your hunger and delve into such a darkness that will eat your heart alive. Everybody has done it. Everybody will do it. It is just a matter of time. This makes me sick. The human mind makes me sick.

I hate who we are. I hate myself for it. But because this is how we are constructed, we can not change it.

I love you Adam. I know I do. But with my definition of love, I am starting to wonder why it even exists. If in a single breath, it could be destroyed. Any form of love disdained.

And if you haven't caught on, you know given a certain amount of money, given a condition of life or death, something unexpected, your greed and self-indulgence will always win. You will sell your love for something that you would want more. That is such an unfortunate reality. We are all victims of this.

I have a huge distaste for humanity. It gets worse every second.

doot

So this book that I am reading causes me to hate humanity even more. I already despised it prior to picking it up, but now I detest it. It makes me sick.

On my way to work I wanted to write this long post describing in detail how much I hate this world. But fatigue consumes me, causing me to write a brief post instead.

The book had this one quote that I will probably abide by from now on.

"All things end."

As simple as it was, it was something that we don't exactly realize. Well, I should say we do realize it, we just don't ever want to admit the validity of the aforementioned statement.

When you think about it, it is 100% true. We all have at least one thing in common, and that is we will never walk the earth forever. Our time will come, and we will just be another form of decaying matter, non-existent. Something we once were, will never be in the end.

Something I couldn't stop thinking about after reading it.

Goodnight.

Distractions followed by Decoys

A decoy is necessary for a distraction. Anything. An accident on the highway. A screaming woman begging for help. Anything out of the ordinary.

In this situation. A new found love. Someone living, breathing... real. That's right. A perfect distraction.

I met a guy while on vacation to North Carolina who is absolutely amazing. We have talked everyday on the phone ever since. He is everything I want in a guy, and I don't compare him to Adam at all.

I suppose North Carolina breeds their chivalrous sweethearts well... for the most part at least.

Especially since the guys here are douchebags.

So it has been almost six months since he has passed away. I told myself that by then I will have gotten over this. I obviously have never experienced such a feeling, and I realize that the pain never goes away. It lessens with time, that's for sure. So I am thankful to have survived as long as I have.

I love you Adam, you are irreplaceable on so many levels.

That's how it was like

Today sucks. Well. Today does not suck. I should be thankful for what I do have. However, I am sick, and that causes me to ask, "where's Adam?"

I want to call him and tell him I am sick. I want to call him and tell him to buy me medicine, make me a hot bowl of soup, and place a warm towel over my forehead. But when he was alive, I didn't have to tell him this. All I would have to tell him was that I did not feel too well, and he would immediately do anything he could to reverse that.

Fuck.

I know I have friends that could help me, but dammit, it's not the same. I miss you Adam. I want you to take care of me.

I dislike being sick. I hope I wake up tomorrow fully recovered.

At a Time

Random memory I have been wanting to blog, but kept forgetting to.

During winter, Adam was picking me up from work. I didn't get out at the scheduled time, in fact I didn't get out until an hour after. When I finally clocked out, went outside, I saw Adam standing in the parking garage, next to the stairs with a huge smile on his face. I was so happy to see him. It turns out he had been waiting out in the cold for the whole hour. He's so cute. I asked him why he didn't just wait in the car, and he said he thought I was going to get out on time. He said he kept waiting, and waiting, telling himself I would be done any minute. He told me his toes were freezing!

Sigh.

Such a true gentleman he was. He loved me so much... to wait outside in the freezing weather for me. How sweet.

I loves you babe.

Nostalgic

It's a funny thing. This thing called emotions. It's what makes us human. It's what drives us, what compels us. Oh, this post will most likely be a long one, so don't waste your time reading it unless you have nothing better to do.

Most likely, you have nothing better to do. Carry on with the reading!

Most of the time it's what hurts us, and when it hurts us, it hurts worse then anything ever imagined. I miss Adam so much. My birthday... today, is something that I am not looking forward to experiencing. I usually look forward to it. There has been more than one occasion where I cried during my birthday, tears of sadness mind you. I cried for my birthday in 2006 and in 2008. I do not remember what happened in 2007, I'll have to refer to my diary to remember. I cried in '06 because the guy I was dating at the time completely forgot, and did not even call. I think my Dad forgot about it too because he called like a minute after my birthday had ended. It's actually kind of sad... I went and played bingo by myself and started balling because two important people forgot about it. This family was so kind enough to let me play with them, turns out their son was also celebrating his birthday. They even bought me a present at the little redemption counter too! It's a very interesting thing that the people that actually did something for you, are complete strangers. Maybe there is some hope after all with humanity. I still have plenty of doubt, but it's out there.

In '08 I cried because Adam said he was going to show up at the apartment, but didn't show up until about 4 hours later. I don't remember, some ridiculous time later. It was because of his job at the time. I was pissed because I told him to request off, and he put his job before me. The one day I get to be selfish. I really don't remember exactly... I could be exaggerating about this. This was when we were going through our rough patch so I guess I shouldn't be mad at him for it. At the time I definitely was, and looking back I should have just been thankful that he even made it.

Today to me is just like any other day. I do not feel like it is 'my' day. Maybe if Adam were here it would be another story. I would've asked him to take me out to one of those fancy restaurants. The ones where the check is three digits long. I assume the restaurant of choice would've been III Forks. We had dinner there for Valentine's once, and it was one of the best experiences I shared with him. It was so romantic. Sigh.

Adam would ask me what I want this year. I would tell him that dinner is all that I want, and to spend time with you. But he would still go out of his way to buy me something. He probably would've gotten something expensive, but sentimental. He knew how much I disliked jewelry, but he probably would've gotten another fancy piece from the same place he always goes to. This jewelry store at the Galleria mall.

Oh I love him so much. I still wear that ring you gave me. That promise ring. You gave it to me for our 2 year anniversary/Christmas present. We started going out 2 days before Christmas.

Why are you still reading this?!?! I don't even know why I'm worried if this post is entertaining you or not. I only started this to benefit myself, to cater to my needs, my own form of therapy. Yet I am for some reason apologizing again for how long this will be.

Back to the story.

That was all you gave me over the holidays. That was all that you gave me when it was way more than what I asked for. I did however ask you to wrap my present before you gave it to me. You laughed and hesitated, asked if you really had to do it, and why I didn't want to accept it the way it was. I said "Please?! It will be so cute if it was wrapped!" So you did, you went into my closet, and it took you forever! As I predicted though, the wrapping was quite possibly the cutest thing ever. When I tore the wrapping off I noticed the box was from the jewelry store. You were so nervous about it. You kept repeating that it's not what I think it is. It's not what I think it is. I couldn't stop laughing at you! Not in a mean way of course, you were too cute for that kind of laughter. I proceeded to open the box, the box that was smaller than the palm of my hand. There laid everything our relationship had meant to us. In the form of all that is diamonds and gold. In the center was an Emerald, not because it is my birthstone, but because you knew it was my favorite color. You again repeated the same thing, "it's not what I think it is". At this moment I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheek. Fucking emotions. I am crying now but not in the same way I was crying then.

You gently took the ring out of the box, explaining its importance while examining it. You told me that it was a promise ring. As you put it on my finger you said it represents what we shared in the past, what we are experiencing in the present, and what our future entails for us both. You said that you will always be there for me. You said that it was to show that you promise to be there for me for the rest of our lives. FUCK. I remember that day so clearly. I was so happy... so happy to say that I was yours. I felt so safe around you, to know that you were there for me no matter what.

DAMMIT!

I need to hit something.

I really shouldn't be typing this up in somebody's home. I can't stop crying.

I might write more about this later when I get back home. This memory is so precious to me, I want to make sure I don't leave out any important details.

That Christmas was one of the best I have ever had. Actually, it is the best I have ever had.

Fuck you world.

I wanted to text Adam yesterday. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to text him, because I would've been expecting him to text me back. I didn't want to be let down, when I know that there would be no response. Oh babe, you are still on my speed dial. You are the only one on my speed dial, aside from the voicemail having to be defaulted as number one.

On your phone I am number one on your speed dial. I am the only one. I don't know how you managed to do that. So special I feel.

I loves you babe, always and forever. Kisses. You better be practicing your intro and exiting with the corners, I will take you so hard when I see you.

Oh! I'm not with them, but I know Panda, Tiger, and baby Tiger say hello and that they miss you and love you bunches.

Field Trip Extravaganza

So I decided to take a vacation. Destination: Raleigh, NC. You are probably wondering why I chose this city in case you don't know already. Adam grew up here, it was where he considered home. My best friend and I are visiting his best friends that still reside here. We will be coming back Wednesday.

Dear Adam,
How is it that you like this city better than Dallas?! No offense residents of NC, you have a lot of wonderful trees... but there is nothing to do out here! I am glad that we didn't move out here when you wanted to. Well, I don't know if I would say that I am glad, because the only reason it never happened is because you aren't here.

I guess it wouldn't have mattered as long as I was with you.

Ok back to this post.

So the day before I left for this city, I saw my therapist. It went alright. She needs to get better at her profession or find a new one. My original therapist made me feel like I was on a huge high after I was done with him. This one makes me just want to kill her. I don't know. I don't feel the need to see her anymore. I don't really have anything left to talk to her about. I still have the feeling that she doesn't care about the other person, she cut our session short by 15 minutes.

...

I forgot what I was going to say.

This week hasn't been as miserable as other weeks. Hooray for happy days. Maybe I am just getting used to being alone finally.

Although I do have something important to say about this trip, but I will discuss this topic later when I am back in my own home. Be prepared, it will be of me ranting. Unless my head cools off by the time I get back.

I am only good at writing in this when I am feeling shitty and missing Adam hardcore.

Tonight we are all supposed to be eating Korean food. I am thoroughly excited. Oh! I think the plus side of this vacation is that I am catching up on sleep... which is fan-FUCKING-tastic! I haven't slept so much since Adam passed. And it is amazing.

Ok... I'm out

I loves you babe.

Meh

Ugh, I wish we got more pictures of ourselves. I miss him so much. So fucking much. I had a dream the other day about him. It felt so good during it. In the dream he came back to life, and I was so happy. It was like we were back together again. Everything was like it was before. It was so weird because he came back to life like a little over two weeks later after he passed away. And it wasn't like he was a zombie! It was actually him, the same exact person he was.

Sigh. Then I woke up and the dream was over. I wish he came back to life.

I wonder if he hadn't passed away, if we would've gotten married, and have our house like we said we would. I wonder how long we would still be together or if we would've ended our relationship. No, there's no fucking way. If we got tired of each other, we would find a way to make our relationship work. And I know we would be married living in our house with our pets. Damn fucking straight.

I suppose everything happens for a reason.

TICKLE! aghhhhh... Adam... I want to tickle you so bad!

Title:

So I don't know how to approach this. This situation that may seem difficult and pleasant at times. I suppose we'll start from the beginning. A month after Adam passed I started dating this guy (aka douchebag). Two weeks into it he was not who he claimed he was... and it ended immediately. Started dating this other guy that I had dated before Adam passed away. That too did not go so well. It was probably something that I shouldn't have started again in the first place. Other failed attempts include getting digits and having them talk to me for a little while via texting... then they completely stop. Other times include finding a guy that I like, and finding out they have a girlfriend.

I always ask myself why it didn't work out. I wonder if Adam is preventing me from dating the aforementioned failures. Well I finally found a person that I actually like and have feelings for. This person has not screwed me over, or stopped talking to me. This person and I actually hung out tonight. These feelings have been mutual for at least a month now. A bright outlook is definitely a possibility, however I keep having mixed feelings over it.

I suppose I am just not ready to be with anybody... and it sucks. I guess only 4 months have passed by. To me it feels like years though. I can't stand being by myself for such a long time. Maybe I'm just scared to be close to somebody. I just want Adam back. I mean I enjoy his company completely, but I'm finding myself wishing it were Adam instead. With that I assume it means that I am still not ready to be with anybody.

It's so difficult wanting something that is impossible to have. Pretty much anything the average human wants is attainable to some degree. Death however... is of permanence. No matter how many times I wish for him to come back, he won't. It is an impossible feat. Le sigh.

Oh Adam. "Fire ze missiles!" "But I am le tired" "Ok then take a nap, THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!"

That's from this cartoon thingy that he showed me. Hilarity to the tenth degree.

I don't know what I want from this new guy that I like. At times I find myself wanting a relationship, and other times I just want to forget about him. Blegh. Adam just come back to life to make things fucking easier. I guess this is one problem that I can't run away from. That is the usual approach to things that are too difficult for me. I run away. Not this time. Running away only prolongs the obvious.

Well... I loves you Adam. Oh the memories with you I will cherish. Always and forever yours.

I hate putting a title

I had a dream about Adam. Although it wasn't pleasant. He didn't know who I was. I kept telling him who I was, and trying to make him remember me. I don't remember much about it. It was blurry. Then he said that I shouldn't worry about anything. That everything will be alright. Sigh.

I don't know if it's getting easier. I think it is sometimes, but other times I feel like it isn't. Maybe I'm just becoming more numb to the pain.

I went to Denton Thursday night, and surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wasn't depressed over the fact that everything reminded me of Adam. It was also nice visiting his old bar that he used to work at, and seeing some of his friends.

Eh. I just realized I don't feel like typing anymore.

Nothing comes to mind

What a gloomy day outside. My neighbor downstairs has moved out, even though I never met her, I am sad over it. I think moving develops a mixture of emotions, stressful yes, but also exciting and depressing. I am sad that she has left because there was something about her that made her loving and warm. She had numerous plants on her patio, and lovely bird feeders out on the branches of the tree in front of my window. I hear the millions of birds singing, but all I hear is them singing, "where is our food?" I hate moving as much as I love it. When Adam and I moved out of our Lewisville apt (we weren't together and we weren't apart at the time) it was extremely depressing. We created so many memories there. So many. I cried when we shut the door to what we did call our 'home'. Shut the door to what was going to be somebody else's home instead. I don't remember if Adam said he cried, because I wasn't there when he turned the keys in. When he got the remaining things of his later on. I think he did.


My lease is about to end at my current apartment. The end of July. I once again am revisiting all of the same emotions that I had from our Lewisville home. I don't want to leave here, but I don't want to stay. Staying here creates tears in my eyes when I think about Adam. Sad tears. But I want to stay here because I don't want to leave the memories behind. Before January 11, 2009, I had a move to look forward to. Yes, I did. Adam and I were going to get our own place again. I looked forward to it very much. The bills not so much. But being together... that was something euphoric. Very much so. Now that dream has disappeared. Dissolved itself due to nature. Due to unexpected events. Undesirable events. Oh how much I hate thee. Despise thee. Detest thee.

You know when you're hanging out with your friends and ocassionally you get bored or tired and just want to go home. Then later on in the year, you think back on those memories, those fond times you had shared. You wish you could go back in time to those wonderful days. Well you never realize how important the minutes you shared are until they're gone.

Since I didn't work out at all last week, I had so much anger inside. It was difficult supressing it all.

I have a new therapist. Through my insurance company. I dislike her. I enjoy my original $140/session therapist. Damn his costly expenses. I can't argue since the new therapist is free. Eh. Well, she's alright, she listens. But she appears to not give a damn. I don't know how she could I guess. I tell her the reason why I am seeing her. My boyfriend passed away. Near the end of our session, she replies by saying that I am doing everything right. I want to punch her in the face. I don't know why I want to punch her. I want to punch her because it is not what I want to hear. I want to be told that there is a cure. We can bring your dead boyfriend back to life. I want to hear her say that everything will be alright, because of that solution. I want to hear her say that your boyfriend is behind that door. Why can't death be much easier to cope with?

I am reading this new book. It's very heart-warming because the main character lost his sister to suicide, and all the emotions he is feeling I can relate to. Even though it's a work entirely of fiction, I enjoy reading the book because of that relation.

I hope Adam's mom is doing okay today. I wish you a happy mother's day. If it even means anything. I have heard about so many deaths this year. Some deaths I hear about because I told the person that my boyfriend has died. Some deaths animal related. Others because it was simply their time. I laugh when I remember telling myself that 2009 was going to be a better year. It can fuck itself.

My birthday is coming up. I am thoroughly excited that I already have plans made for it. If not, the only thing I can think of would be for Adam to spoil me and shower me with love. Not the case. Not at all possible. Birthdays. Another year older. Another year closer to death. Fuck them.

I think holidays are overrated.

I loves you Adam. Like I have mentioned before, I can't wait to fucking see you again. You and I have a lot of catching up to do. You're overdue for a tickling.

Who knows anymore

Eh... i don't know where to begin.

Work sucked. The usual routine. Barely standing. Sluggish overload. The same mundane routine. And when I say routine... I am also referring to the grieving part.

Let's re-enact a scenario that occurred at work today.

Insert employee that I haven't been able to talk to since Adam passed away.

"So Kristine how are you? You still going out with the same guy?"says fellow employee.
"No have you not heard?" says I, but in my head I am really saying... fuck, here we go again.

I tell him the whole deal about Adam having passed away. Reaction as always is of concern and apologetic. I mean he was nice about the whole thing. It's just, I wish I didn't have to respond with that answer. I wish I could say, oh you know, the same old.

I always get tired of saying that whenever people ask how my mom is doing. Now when somebody asks how she's doing. I'm thankful that she isn't sick or dead.

But I cannot say the same for my beloved boyfriend. It's also difficult when I have to tell people about Adam. Like when I was telling my boss how Adam's dad went skydiving with me. I said, "my boyfriend's Dad went skydiving with me". It's hard because sometimes when I refer to Adam like that, people get confused. It's also hard because it just never feels right talking about our relationship in a past tense. Our relationship never ended. But it did because he is no longer here. Am I explaining this correctly?

I almost broke down at work today. Now whenever the terrible emotions hit me, it's either I want to start crying, or I want to start screaming and hitting everything in sight. Regardless of how hard that wall will be and how much my fist will hurt in the end. I want to punch away the anger, punch away the pain. These solve nothing. I suppose they help in the end.

I become angry a lot easier.

I cry a lot easier.

I went to Adam's parent's house today. I looked at Adam's stuff in his old room. So nostalgic. Everything I saw, it was tied to a previous memory. Sensory overload. Then I visited Adam's grave. I think I cried the hardest I did out there, since a month after Adam passed. It felt like it did in the movies, where you cut to a scene where the couple is happy and having a great time, and instantly to a shot of the gravestone. Fuck. Why the fuck are you 6 ft under babe? His gravestone looked really nice though. Blue granite border. A really nice looking Tiger etched into it. But again, I wish it wasn't real. I stood out there for awhile. Witnessed another group drop off their flowers, pay their respects, and leave. I was still there. I looked at the gravestone to the left of Adam's. "Together Forever". I feel for the widow, because it was a joint gravestone, but only one was buried. Buried in 1999. If the widow has survived 10 years without their loved one, then I can fucking do it. These four months has seemed like 4 years in itself. But I can fucking do it.

This week has been really hard. I got a second job like I had mentioned before. In hopes that it will make me more exhausted so I can fall asleep earlier. It achieved the first half, but I still go to sleep at the same time... which is too fucking late for my own good.

I accidentally left my (Adam's ipod actually) in a friend's car. I haven't gotten it back. It's been over a week. And I feel like I have lost another part of Adam.

I have been thinking about what I told Adam one day. I remember he was taking an interest in motorcycles, wanting to get one. Like any wife, girlfriend, mother, sister, whomever cares for the loved one would do... I said no. I don't want you to get one because I fear it will bring about your death. I told him that I would have to stop loving him because he would surely die on that 'death on wheels'. Oh the irony. Oh the fucking thing that is called irony.

Well babe, you died from something that can go fast and has wheels. I want to get a bike now. I want to increase the chances of my death. Increase the probability so that I will have the likeliness of being with Adam again sooner. Death is what I fear the least right now. Dammit. I'm probably going to live to see like 80 or something. Damn I would hate that.

Wow this is a long post. At least this helps. At least this provides sanity for when the times are unbearable.

I took a nap today. Hoping that I wouldn't wake up until the next morning. So I can actually catch up on some rest. Does waking up two hours later account for anything? Now I probably wont' go to bed until at least one in the morning. That's four hours from now. What the fuck am I going to do until then. My co-worker, the one that asked about Adam earlier today, suggested we go out for drinks tonight. I might take him up on that offer.

I want Cristina's (Mexican restaurant). That was our restaurant. We would go there a lot after I got off work. Whenever I suggested it, Adam was always up for it. Dammit. I want to go there so bad right now. I can't go by myself. Somebody go with me. Adam, go with me.

I find it entertaining when I tell people what my plans are for the evening, or the weekend. Skydiving, numerous trips to Austin, staying up late, driving fast and recklessly (well not recklessly, I am a very talented driver (insert winking action here)), Martial Arts, Auto cross, eating my weight, just going out everywhere at every minute possible.

Their response is of shock... and I respond by telling them it's what I have to do to keep myself from thinking about Adam.

It's late, I started this at about 10PM, went out to a bar, and now I am back finishing this up. I need to attempt to get some rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight. I loves you Adam.

What do you say?

The lack of sleep is starting to take it's toll on me now. They say the recommended amount of sleep should be between 8-9 hours. It ranges from 3-5 now. For me, that is not enough. When Adam was there with me, I would get at least 8 every night. He made me so comfortable. Now I don't want to sleep, in rare cases, (like now) I can't sleep.

People at work are always saying how tired I look. Too bad even make-up can't disguise my fatigue. What do I tell them when they make this comment? People always ask why I'm not getting enough sleep. I don't know how to say that it's because I lost someone I love, and I can't sleep because of it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just wish there was an easy way to tell them.

I remember when Adam and I were broken up, he said that he would drink himself to sleep. Now I see why he did such a thing. I feel so bad that he had to go through it. At least it ended before he left for good.

I'm finding it difficult to express how I am feeling right now. But yes, me and no sleep are a terrible combination.

Other news. I went skydiving over the weekend. Something I said I would do before I died. Adam was trying to convince me to do it, and during that time I was really scared to. But for some reason I wasn't scared at all when I did it. I don't know if it's because I felt like I was closer to Adam or what not. Fear escaped me that day, I only had it for a few seconds. Regardless of the fact that I closed my eyes for all of the freefalling part. I loved it. Or I wonder if I wasn't scared because I don't fear death anymore. I have said this before, I am not suicidal, but I want death to come. I always wish that it would come so I can be with Adam. And I know this is a normal thing to think of. I didn't get an adrenaline rush at all when I went skydiving. I was at ease, so calm, not nervous.

I hope it was just that sport that doesn't give me a high, because I am going to get bored trying to find things to do that will actually give me a thrill. I dont know. Damn having a death wish.

I got to see Adam's dad out there too. It was hard at first, because they look so alike. But it was also nice to see him, because I felt closer to Adam. At the same time, I don't like being with him for long, because anytime I am with any member of Adam's family, I feel empty inside. I feel empty because the link between us is missing. I only know them because of one person. Eh, I really can't express my feelings. But I'm sure you guys understand what I am trying to say. Empty. When I am with his family. It is comforting and empty.

So the funeral home finally put up Adam's gravestone. I look forward to seeing it. Well, I am not exactly happy about it, but it's about time they put it up. Of course I still can't believe that I am typing about this. I wish that he wasn't dead. But doesn't everybody that loses a loved one. And unfortunately that is not how this world works.

Adam's Dad found a short video that had him in it. We watched it at the skydive grounds, it made me tear up. It was so nice to see his face, to hear him say something. I teared up too when his Dad came up to me and expressed his emotions to me. Him saying how he feels like I am his daughter-in-law. I feel the same about him. And I wish it were real. I wish I got the opportunity to say that I am married to him.

ASL;GIHASDL;GIFH

Well I can't stop the tears from rolling. It's 7 min after 12... I need to get some rest. At least make an attempt to. The last thing I want to hear at work is, "what's wrong with your eyes?" I have to be honest with them, tell them I was crying. Something I don't want to say, but what else can you say to that? Sigh. I got another job, so at least that will keep me busy. They are nice and my schedule is open, they need me whenever I can make it there. Maybe that will make me completely exhausted to where I pass out and have no choice about staying awake or not.

Eat shit

So I should be sleeping, but being single, and being single because the significant other died, usually an effect would be lack of sleep.

I don't think I have been at a loss for sleep in ages.

Has anybody seen the movie 25th hour? With Edward Norton? Well there is a scene in it where he gives his spiel and says 'fuck you' to everyone and everything. Probably one of the most racist things out there. In fact, this movie was so controversial, Blockbuster didn't have it available to rent. I know this because at the time I had no clue how to download movies, and I didn't own it yet. So next best thing was to rent it. Fuck you Blockbuster and your morals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGTEkJ8axbo

err... that's the link to what i'm talking about.

Well I feel like Ed Norton's character 'Monty' (shit is that his name in it? I don't remember). Whenever somebody complains about their life, about how fucking hard it is, I want to tell them to suck it up and deal with it. I want to tell them that they are still so lucky, with what they have. And that if they haven't suffered the death of a loved one, then they should move on until the day comes, and then they can complain for however long they feel like it. Complaints such as, fuck, I don't feel like typing examples, but you know what we all complain about. The same arbitrary bullshit. I feel I don't have the right to complain either, even though I am having to go through all of this, I am so lucky still.

I can see what I am typing. I have a job that puts food in my mouth and pays the bills. The bills that cause me to have the desire to learn how to hack into websites, so I can clear all the debt I have accrued. But I shouldn't even complain about that. There are other people who have more debt than I do. I have all four of my limbs, my hamster is still alive!

Eh, just so much to be thankful for. So much. I wish everybody can realize this, so they would stop dwelling over shit that goes wrong, over shit that doesn't go the way they planned it. I say fuck you and deal with it. Yeah, you need to watch the part I'm referring to, because Mr. Norton said it best.

End note, a lovely memory of Adam.

This is before we were going out, we were just friends. There were four of us, Adam and I, and two other friends. We were on our way to a strip club (yes a strip club) to celebrate Adam's birthday. On the highway there was this guy doing a wheelie while going at least 60mph. I rolled down my window and screamed at him, cheering him on, telling him how hot he was. Adam was so cute because he wanted to show off (he already developed a crush over me at this time) so he raced the guy! Adam was driving a small 4 cylinder Geo Prism. I don't know what he was thinking, but he actually kept up with him! For like a few seconds, then the cyclist zoomed off into the distance. It was such a rush to be in the car when he was doing this. Later when Adam and I were bored, talking (months after we started going out) I asked him about that night. He said that he was jealous of the guy and really wanted to show off for me. How cute that was. You were a really good driver, you never scared me no matter what you did, how fast you went, the crazy turns you drove. Anybody else that rode with you, even if they were 6ft and wasn't scared of anything, you put fear into their hearts. I miss you so much. I miss your crazy driving. Nobody that I have met, is as crazy as you were. Actually, nobody aside from me too. You and I were perfect for each other. We were so crazy when it came to anything! Nothing could stop us. We feared nothing when we were together! Well, at least for the most part. Humans are created to fear whether they admit it or not. There is no way a human can be defined as fearless. It just is not possible.

It irritates me when people say that we were meant for each other. Not because of that specific part, but because they follow up that statement by saying, "you guys were soulmates, and were going to get married" Everything they said made it seem like we were going to grow old together. That it was our fate. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Our fate? Him lying 6 feet under dirt, his corpse rotting away. That's the reality of this so called 'fate' you claim we were supposed to have together.

I really need to get some sleep. Adam I miss you and your crazy driving. I will be in Mineral Wells this weekend, my drifting that I will be doing will be in your name.

I loves you with all my heart. And no the 'loves' is not a typo. That is just how we said it for those who haven't known or caught on.

Kisses.

What do you do?

It's sad when the person closest to you leaves. I have all these things I want to say, but the person that I trusted the most, that I confided in the most, is gone. Who do I say these things to? Especially when I could never be as close to anybody as I was with Adam.

Just the simplest things even. Like, "oh my god work was horrible today!" Or, "look at how crazy my hair is!" There are just so many things, that I wish I could tell him. During lunch, if he wasn't there to take me out, I would always call him and see what he was doing. Before I would leave for work, I would give him kisses goodbye, tell him I loved him, and that I would see him after I get off work. I miss bringing him lunch, because he was tired of eating hamburgers (he worked at five guys at the galleria mall). I loved cooking him scrambled eggs, and making rice, it was one of his favorite dishes, because it was easy, and he disliked me doing much work. He would be so happy when I would bring it to him.

How do you stop the pain, when the only thing you want, is something you can't have. When nothing in the world, could make you as happy as you would be, if the person you loved was back in your arms. What do you do, to make the pain go away? I wish there was something that could fill the void, something that could ease the pain. Something that didn't require drugs or alcohol, or even alchemy! fucking dammit! How did other people survive? If they can do it, then certainly I can. I say fuck you to depression, fuck you to drugs or alcohol. You throw me this shitty brick in my life, and I toss it back to the deep nothingness in the sea. I dont know what I'm trying to say. I say fuck you to life, and the many hurdles you throw at us. I will survive this, and this pain will go away.

Everytime I think about him, it still feels like yesterday. I always said there's no way I could live without him. Everytime I said bye to him, trying to break up with him, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much, and I never wanted him out of my life. I just couldnt be without him. I don't know how I have lived 3 months without him now. But I have no choice, suicide is not my cup of tea. I will not succumb to your wrath.

I'm sorry Adam for treating you the way I did when we were apart. I now know the pain you felt when I broke up with you, and I treated you like shit. I'm sorry for what I did, and I wish I didn't put you through it. You would drink yourself to sleep, and my heart aches that you had to suffer that way. I guess it's a good thing that you left before me, because if I died, you would definitely drink yourself to death. And if me being dead would be the cause of that, then I would feel terrible. If i can feel such a feeling, wherever the afterlife is.

Whenever I play your ipod, I always scroll over the playlist you made. The one titled "I miss her". You made that when we were apart. I always look at it's a constant reminder of what you had to suffer. And I am again truly sorry for that. I suppose in the end, we have to be thankful that it brought us back together better than ever.

I miss you so much Adam. I miss having you hold me while I fall asleep. I miss you being my partner in co-op video games. I would love to have you as my partner in the new Resident Evil, the AI sucks! You would be doing so much better, achieving a lot of head shots. There's even a rifle in it too! So you could snipe the enemies. You loved sniping in video games so much. That was your dream, to be an assassin, a sniper, a pilot.

We were supposed to race each other, but we never had both our cars working, or I would always wuss out. I wish I raced you, you know I would've beaten you. :) You did tell me that you thought I would be a better driver (whether it be drifting, street racing, rallying, whatever) than you. I hope you're practicing up there, for when I come to challenge you!

I have to keep myself so busy, because I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get stuff done, the stuff that requires solo time, alone time at home. Like work on my car, or sell all my shit so I can move, read my books, I can't do anything of the sort. Because when I am by myself, it's so empty, I should be with you.

I can't stop crying.

I miss you babe, I miss you so much. I always wonder what is worse, being a mother and losing your son, being a sister and losing your brother, being a girlfriend and losing your boyfriend. Or even being a child and losing your parent, or your grandparent. WTF! They all suck, they're all terrible. But then I wonder, losing your child, somebody you created, raised, agh shit. I am losing concentration on this. Here's what I think, I think it's hardest when you're the widow, or fiancè or whatever in a relationship, and you lose your signifcant other. At least it's the hardest in the beginning. But then I feel bad for the family, because you can always find another person to love and be in a relationship with. But you can't ever replace the son or daughter you lost. So does that make it easier in the end? Of course you can never replace your significant other, but when you find a new love, the pain lessens in the end.

There are so many tattoos I want to get in remembrance of you. I want to become an air force pilot for you. I want to build that perfect car for you. I want to be that badass that you always said you were. But in reality, you really were the ultimate badass. Hilarious. I loved it when you would say that. I want to be able to fight like you were able to. To have the knowledge you had about guns and computers, and everything I didn't have. I just want to be you, to have something there, to keep alive.

I hope that when I die, that our stuffed animals can come with me. So we can all be together again, your tigers miss you. Panda misses you.

I still have that Tiger puzzle I got you for Christmas... I don't want to do it by myself, I want you to finish it with me. And that LEGO set I got you too, I know if I tried to build it, I would get lost and frustrated and not be able to complete it. And the batman pens I bought you, what am I to do with those? You said you didn't want to use them, because you were scared you would lose them. But now I don't want to use it. Because I don't want to have to lose any of them. And that comb of yours!! Oh my god that comb. You know, the one with the missing teeth, and I would tell you to throw it away, but you didn't want to! I even got you a new comb, but you still used the broken one. It's still in my bathroom, I don't want to remove it. I should've given it to you to be buried with it.

I wish I asked you what you would want me to do with myself if you died before me. I know you would be sad, if you knew you were going to die soon, because there would be nobody to protect me. Don't worry, I'll be strong, and learn to take care of myself. One step at a time. I mean, you and I did have dreams of killing people... of course I can take care of myself!

And I have dirty dishes... come clean them for me! I don't want to wash them... I miss you helping me clean around the place. I miss you taking showers with me. I miss you driving fast for me. I miss you playing with my poofy hair, and always saying how cute I looked when it was curly.

There is no source of comfort, that will equal to the amount that only I can get from you.
I really need to learn alchemy, so I can bring you back to life. If only it were that easy. Maybe building a time machine will be easier. I don't want to lose an arm and leg (full metal reference for those who are unaware).

Well, I'm going to go do stuff, to get my mind off of this, and to maybe actually stop crying over you.

I love you babe, with all my heart.

I can't wait to see you.

Kisses!


I'm over this.

I love you Adam.

Untitled part 2

I remember some of the things that I wanted to say now.

First off, I want to thank my friends for helping me through this. I know without them I would not be able to survive any of this. I can't stand staying at home for awhile, at least by myself that is. So getting out of the house, or having friends over definitely helps cope with the healing process... so thank you guys again. And I can't believe I forgot something as simple as that. Please excuse me, I'm so scatter brained (one of the symptoms of grieving, in case you didn't know).

Second, a question I don't usually know how to answer.

"How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" And many others along that context. I never know if they're referring to how I am dealing with this, or how I am in general. When I ask what they're referring to they say, just tell me anything. Of course even with that said, I still don't know how to respond. I want to spill my guts or cry my heart out every time somebody asks me that. I want to tell them that it's a fucking heartache that I have to dwell over. But of course to keep the mood light (because most of the time it's at work that I get asked this), I usually respond with "oh it's going well" or "I'm doing much better". All lies. At least most of it. There is some truth to it, because I can say that I am doing better. But I am not at my best. I always wish that he would walk in that door, and I would get to see him one last time. But I know that's impossible.

Third, I feel so wrong for saying this, but at the same time, I shouldn't.

Every time I see a couple, anytime, anywhere, jealousy consumes me. I hate jealousy, I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it. I say in my head that you guys are so damn lucky. You should make every moment count, in case your significant other passes away. Anytime, when they're holding hands, when they're smiling at each other, giving each other kisses. I can't be in the same room alone with them. I always think of how much Adam loved it when I would lock arms with him, instead of holding his hands. He preferred it that way. As did I. He said he feels like he's protecting me more in that way, versus us holding hands. I did too. For fun (on occasion) I would tease him, I would put my hand out there for him to grab it. But then I would retract my hand to see his reaction. He would be like, "hey! Why did you do that?" And I would laugh, give him some kisses, and grab his hand and hold it tightly to make up for it.

I need to go to bed, it's late. More to come soon.

Goodnight. I love you Adam. I always will. Forever and ever.

Untitled

It's almost been three months now. Since Adam passed. I remember the first month being the longest and hardest month I have ever endured. I never thought I would make it out alive. But if I was able to make it through that month, and the month after that... I can easily make it past the third month. And the fourth, and then a year. It sucks, when someone you love dies, because death is all I think about. Last night I started freaking out because my mom was running late. I kept running all these scenarios in my head, and how I would have to make all these calls to cancel credit cards, accounts, and tell the children's parents that their baby sitter has passed.

I noticed I don't cry as much anymore. I noticed that more time then before has passed when he wasn't on my mind. They say that the first two months are going to be the roughest. I'm glad they're over with.

One thing that's difficult is that I haven't been single in six years. And being single for 3 months now is making me go crazy! Adam was right when he said that I was the type who can't be alone. I want him back so bad.

There were so many things that I wanted to blog about... but due to my shitty memory, I can't remember them.

I'll just close with a wonderful memory I have of Adam.

We finally have the keys to our new apartment in Lewisville. It was our first apartment together, just us. I wanted to paint the whole bedroom... I think this was a bad idea to start with. But it was hilarious because Adam kept getting paint all over him, so out of frustration he took off all his clothes and started painting naked. I could not stop laughing, not only because he was painting in the nude, but he still had his socks on! I remember attacking him with brown paint. Sigh. I wish I was an english major, because this whole scenario is so much better in my head then what I have posted. It was just fucking hilarious and I miss him so damn much. End of story.

Too good to be true

I just woke up from a nightmare/dream I suppose? This is the second dream I have had of Adam actually being in it. In my dream Adam had pulled up in his black 240 (Nissan) and walked up to me. He looked the same as he always did, so sexy. :) He gave me my usual kisses on the lips (like he always would whenever he came up to me) and they were so real. He told me that he missed me and asked how I was doing. I told him that I missed him so much and that I wanted him back. He replied by saying that I'm so lucky to be here that I shouldn't wish such things. I told him that it isn't the same without you, and as he was about to tell me something of importance, I woke up crying. It felt so real, his kisses, him talking to me. I can't believe I had a dream like that, because usually in my dreams I usually can't ever find him (because I know in real life he's dead, blah blah blah).

I saw the movie I Love You, Man yesterday. It was pretty hilarious. Although when the main characters got married in it, I started tearing up. I kept thinking, "I wonder what our wedding would've looked like?" I kept imagining Adam's smile, as he would see me walk down that aisle. I can't describe what it would be like, but I know that our wedding would've been amazing. But I should stop with that nonsense. That irreplaceable nonsense and face reality.

So I am not completely sure as to whether what I am about to tell you will be completely out of the ordinary or not. I'm sure everybody worries about their loved one whenever they go out somewhere, right? I know I did that constantly with Adam. But would it freak you out if I told you I knew when Adam was going to die? I think everybody has this, like a sixth sense type of thing. I know shortly before his death I became extra paranoid that he was going to die in a car accident. I just knew he would. I know Wednesday before he passed, when he was going to see a friend in Denton, as he was leaving my sight, I told myself to get one last look at him because I had a feeling it would be the last time. Would it scare you if I said that on his last day, after dropping me off, as he was driving away, I did the same thing? I told myself again, "look at him, it might the last time you see him". I guess it isn't something that should freak people out, and that this is normal. But ever since I was young I always had these sixth sense type of things. Ok, let's not go into it because I could go on forever trying to prove my 'ability'. HAHA. Crazy, yes.

So when I heard the news as I was in the hospital room, surrounded by his family, the shock that I went through. The first thing that came to mind was, "there is no way that I was right". I could not believe it. It had to be a joke, and he had to still be alive. But it was real and it wasn't a joke. My gut instinct was correct, it was correct about him dying and the way he died.

Sigh.

In saying that, I have another bad instinct, I don't want to mention it because I don't want to jinx myself. But when that time comes, I'll be ready.

No pain no gain

Just a random thought, to show you how amazing Adam was.

I ask this question to almost every guy I date, just to see how much they actually love me, or care about me.

"If somebody were to come up to you, and tell you they would give you a million dollars, if you punched me in the face, would you?"

When I asked Adam this, without hesitation, he said there was no way he could do it. He said no matter how much money somebody gave him, he wouldn't be able to hurt me. I asked him, "what if I told you to do it, and I wanted you to do it, so we could have the money?" He replied with the same answer, that he didn't want to hurt me.

Whenever I'd ask anybody else, they would always say yes. They might ask under what conditions first, such as how hard they had to hit me, or if I would let them hit me. Whenever I would say no, they would argue and say that I should let them hit me since it's such a great deal of money.

Just goes to show you what a true gentleman Adam was.

I love you babe. I think about you constantly. I wish you were still here with me, but you are gone for a reason.

Love,
Kristine

Oh the memories

Oh my beloved, I never realized how much you spoiled me until you left for good. I mean, when we weren't together, I realized it then. But now that you are completely gone, I never realized to what extent it was.

I mean of course I miss your company period, but even the little things I will appreciate for life.
I miss you opening doors for me everywhere we went. I miss you massaging me every night when I didn't ask you to, and you didn't expect one in return. I remember when I said let's give each other one, and we should spend the same amount of time for each other, but when you gave me mine you spent more time giving one to me. I told you that you didn't have to keep going, but you wanted to, and that you didn't care how long it took... I especially miss falling asleep to you giving me one. I miss when you would give me kisses all over, to relax me from a hard day at work. I miss you always taking me out to eat, because you knew how much I loved it. And you wouldn't care how often we went out, or what I ordered. You always went everywhere with me. Even if you didn't feel like going, or didn't like where we were headed . You never complained or rushed me. I was so happy when you came and saved me from the Allen outlets when my mom kidnapped me. Without hesitation you were willing to drive so far just to pick me up and rescue me.

On occasion I would be too lazy to get out of bed to brush my teeth. I didn't have to ask you, immediately you would go get a cup of water, and my toothbrush with toothpaste on it and bring it to me. I miss you washing the dishes for me, when I never told you to. You always put my needs before yours. You would take me to work, or pick me up and it didn't seem to bother you or be of inconvenience. You would always come visit me during lunch. Whenever we went grocery shopping, you would carry all the heavy groceries and have me carry very few. When I moved with you to Denton, you didn't want me to give you any money to help with the bills. I loved how you would wait until I was asleep, before you went to sleep. Even though it only took me seconds to do so, when it took you at least 30 minutes. You were my bug killer! How am I supposed to kill bugs now? I remember one time you were asleep, and I went to the restroom, and there was a bug, and I woke you up to kill it. You didn't ignore me, or get frustrated with me, you slowly got out of bed, killed it, gave me a kiss, laughed a bit, and then went back to bed.

Sigh.

There is so much more that you did for me. And I am so grateful to have experienced such bliss. I'm glad that we spent every second we could with each other. I always felt bad whenever I would tell my friends that I wanted to spend time with you, instead of hang out with them. But after being put in this situation, I don't regret it one bit. I only wish we could've spent more time together.

I can't wait to drift with you in heaven. I loves you bunches...
Kristine

What we don't realize

You know I spend a lot of time thinking how I wish Adam were still here in my life. I shouldn't waste time on the fact that he can't come back, I tell myself I should be thankful for everything I do have.

I was reading a book, and there was a story about a young man who lost his eyesight due to an accident. He was so depressed and didn't want to live anymore. Until somebody told him to record a list of things that he could still do. Just anything. Like the fact that he could still smell the flowers in his room. The little things.

I tell myself that I am thankful for so many things. Even though Adam had to pass away, I'm thankful that I didn't have to witness the accident firsthand. If I was in the car with him when the accident happened, I would be devastated having had to witness his death. I would feel guilty and think whether I could've done something to save him. I'm thankful that I got to kiss him goodbye, one last time. I'm thankful that we were back together, and we were both happy and in love before he died. I'm thankful that we didn't have a fight and we weren't mad at each other. I'm thankful that we got to spend time with our friends the night before and had a blast. I'm thankful that he died the way he did, and that he didn't have to suffer. Thankful for having met such a wonderful person, and having him show me what love actually is.

And even though I would do anything to bring him back, I'm thankful that he passed away. Why do you ask? Since I can not bring him back to life, I have to be thankful that he died peacefully. What if he had survived that accident and became paralyzed? Or his legs had to be amputated? Or even if he had to be hospitalized for a ridiculous amount of time? As painful as it is to say, and as much as I wished he survived his accident, I know that if he suffered permanent injuries that would cause him to become handicapped, he would be depressed. I know I would take care of him, but even then he would still be depressed. He loved to take care of me and his family. He always wanted to be there for us, and never wanted us to do any hard labor. He would be depressed because God had robbed him of something he was passionate about doing. So with that I am thankful that you are in a better place.

I mean, look at this recession! You're lucky you don't have to go through this!

Of course I always wonder, what if you were still alive? I know we would've gotten married. We always talked about our dream house. How our garage would have a lift so we could work on our cars and make them drift ready! We would have an awesome game room with tons of video games and top of the line computers. Our kitchen would be supreme and make the cooks of Iron Chef jealous!

But what money couldn't buy, I would look forward to you coming home from work, me with open arms, awaiting your embrace, your warmth, your kisses, showering me with your love.

Adam, I miss you terribly. I can't wait to see you. Trust me when I say that there is nobody like you here on earth.

Forever in love with you,
Kristine

Goodbye Adam Mason

January 11, 2009.

It never occurred to me that the 11th of January, in the year 2009, you would be departing from this place.

Typing this brings tears to my eyes. I miss you so much... not a day goes by that I don't think about you. in fact, not an hour goes by where I don't think about you... unless I'm asleep.

I can't believe it's only been two months. It feels like a year that you've been away. Tiger, baby tiger, and Panda all miss you too. My apartment is so lonely without you. I can't fall asleep as fast as I used to. I realized the only reason I was able to sleep so fast was because you held me in your arms and gave me kisses goodnight.

I will never forget you, your smile, your laughter, all the love you had to give to me and everybody else. I have never met anybody like you, and I really do mean that. I don't think I'll ever meet anybody that would even come close to what you were.

Since this is the first post, I will give a brief synopsis (would that be the right terminology? my vocabulary is so bad).

Adam Mason, he passed away at the age of 22, in a car accident. A truck ran a red light and hit his drivers side. He just dropped me off at work, and was heading back to my apartment.

We were going out for over two years, we broke up in the middle of it for a little bit, I wish we didn't, but when we got back together our relationship was better than it had ever been.

Sigh. I have to be somewhere, so I'll finish this later.

I love you Adam, I love you with all my heart.