Field Trip Extravaganza

So I decided to take a vacation. Destination: Raleigh, NC. You are probably wondering why I chose this city in case you don't know already. Adam grew up here, it was where he considered home. My best friend and I are visiting his best friends that still reside here. We will be coming back Wednesday.

Dear Adam,
How is it that you like this city better than Dallas?! No offense residents of NC, you have a lot of wonderful trees... but there is nothing to do out here! I am glad that we didn't move out here when you wanted to. Well, I don't know if I would say that I am glad, because the only reason it never happened is because you aren't here.

I guess it wouldn't have mattered as long as I was with you.

Ok back to this post.

So the day before I left for this city, I saw my therapist. It went alright. She needs to get better at her profession or find a new one. My original therapist made me feel like I was on a huge high after I was done with him. This one makes me just want to kill her. I don't know. I don't feel the need to see her anymore. I don't really have anything left to talk to her about. I still have the feeling that she doesn't care about the other person, she cut our session short by 15 minutes.

...

I forgot what I was going to say.

This week hasn't been as miserable as other weeks. Hooray for happy days. Maybe I am just getting used to being alone finally.

Although I do have something important to say about this trip, but I will discuss this topic later when I am back in my own home. Be prepared, it will be of me ranting. Unless my head cools off by the time I get back.

I am only good at writing in this when I am feeling shitty and missing Adam hardcore.

Tonight we are all supposed to be eating Korean food. I am thoroughly excited. Oh! I think the plus side of this vacation is that I am catching up on sleep... which is fan-FUCKING-tastic! I haven't slept so much since Adam passed. And it is amazing.

Ok... I'm out

I loves you babe.

Meh

Ugh, I wish we got more pictures of ourselves. I miss him so much. So fucking much. I had a dream the other day about him. It felt so good during it. In the dream he came back to life, and I was so happy. It was like we were back together again. Everything was like it was before. It was so weird because he came back to life like a little over two weeks later after he passed away. And it wasn't like he was a zombie! It was actually him, the same exact person he was.

Sigh. Then I woke up and the dream was over. I wish he came back to life.

I wonder if he hadn't passed away, if we would've gotten married, and have our house like we said we would. I wonder how long we would still be together or if we would've ended our relationship. No, there's no fucking way. If we got tired of each other, we would find a way to make our relationship work. And I know we would be married living in our house with our pets. Damn fucking straight.

I suppose everything happens for a reason.

TICKLE! aghhhhh... Adam... I want to tickle you so bad!

Title:

So I don't know how to approach this. This situation that may seem difficult and pleasant at times. I suppose we'll start from the beginning. A month after Adam passed I started dating this guy (aka douchebag). Two weeks into it he was not who he claimed he was... and it ended immediately. Started dating this other guy that I had dated before Adam passed away. That too did not go so well. It was probably something that I shouldn't have started again in the first place. Other failed attempts include getting digits and having them talk to me for a little while via texting... then they completely stop. Other times include finding a guy that I like, and finding out they have a girlfriend.

I always ask myself why it didn't work out. I wonder if Adam is preventing me from dating the aforementioned failures. Well I finally found a person that I actually like and have feelings for. This person has not screwed me over, or stopped talking to me. This person and I actually hung out tonight. These feelings have been mutual for at least a month now. A bright outlook is definitely a possibility, however I keep having mixed feelings over it.

I suppose I am just not ready to be with anybody... and it sucks. I guess only 4 months have passed by. To me it feels like years though. I can't stand being by myself for such a long time. Maybe I'm just scared to be close to somebody. I just want Adam back. I mean I enjoy his company completely, but I'm finding myself wishing it were Adam instead. With that I assume it means that I am still not ready to be with anybody.

It's so difficult wanting something that is impossible to have. Pretty much anything the average human wants is attainable to some degree. Death however... is of permanence. No matter how many times I wish for him to come back, he won't. It is an impossible feat. Le sigh.

Oh Adam. "Fire ze missiles!" "But I am le tired" "Ok then take a nap, THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!"

That's from this cartoon thingy that he showed me. Hilarity to the tenth degree.

I don't know what I want from this new guy that I like. At times I find myself wanting a relationship, and other times I just want to forget about him. Blegh. Adam just come back to life to make things fucking easier. I guess this is one problem that I can't run away from. That is the usual approach to things that are too difficult for me. I run away. Not this time. Running away only prolongs the obvious.

Well... I loves you Adam. Oh the memories with you I will cherish. Always and forever yours.

I hate putting a title

I had a dream about Adam. Although it wasn't pleasant. He didn't know who I was. I kept telling him who I was, and trying to make him remember me. I don't remember much about it. It was blurry. Then he said that I shouldn't worry about anything. That everything will be alright. Sigh.

I don't know if it's getting easier. I think it is sometimes, but other times I feel like it isn't. Maybe I'm just becoming more numb to the pain.

I went to Denton Thursday night, and surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wasn't depressed over the fact that everything reminded me of Adam. It was also nice visiting his old bar that he used to work at, and seeing some of his friends.

Eh. I just realized I don't feel like typing anymore.

Nothing comes to mind

What a gloomy day outside. My neighbor downstairs has moved out, even though I never met her, I am sad over it. I think moving develops a mixture of emotions, stressful yes, but also exciting and depressing. I am sad that she has left because there was something about her that made her loving and warm. She had numerous plants on her patio, and lovely bird feeders out on the branches of the tree in front of my window. I hear the millions of birds singing, but all I hear is them singing, "where is our food?" I hate moving as much as I love it. When Adam and I moved out of our Lewisville apt (we weren't together and we weren't apart at the time) it was extremely depressing. We created so many memories there. So many. I cried when we shut the door to what we did call our 'home'. Shut the door to what was going to be somebody else's home instead. I don't remember if Adam said he cried, because I wasn't there when he turned the keys in. When he got the remaining things of his later on. I think he did.


My lease is about to end at my current apartment. The end of July. I once again am revisiting all of the same emotions that I had from our Lewisville home. I don't want to leave here, but I don't want to stay. Staying here creates tears in my eyes when I think about Adam. Sad tears. But I want to stay here because I don't want to leave the memories behind. Before January 11, 2009, I had a move to look forward to. Yes, I did. Adam and I were going to get our own place again. I looked forward to it very much. The bills not so much. But being together... that was something euphoric. Very much so. Now that dream has disappeared. Dissolved itself due to nature. Due to unexpected events. Undesirable events. Oh how much I hate thee. Despise thee. Detest thee.

You know when you're hanging out with your friends and ocassionally you get bored or tired and just want to go home. Then later on in the year, you think back on those memories, those fond times you had shared. You wish you could go back in time to those wonderful days. Well you never realize how important the minutes you shared are until they're gone.

Since I didn't work out at all last week, I had so much anger inside. It was difficult supressing it all.

I have a new therapist. Through my insurance company. I dislike her. I enjoy my original $140/session therapist. Damn his costly expenses. I can't argue since the new therapist is free. Eh. Well, she's alright, she listens. But she appears to not give a damn. I don't know how she could I guess. I tell her the reason why I am seeing her. My boyfriend passed away. Near the end of our session, she replies by saying that I am doing everything right. I want to punch her in the face. I don't know why I want to punch her. I want to punch her because it is not what I want to hear. I want to be told that there is a cure. We can bring your dead boyfriend back to life. I want to hear her say that everything will be alright, because of that solution. I want to hear her say that your boyfriend is behind that door. Why can't death be much easier to cope with?

I am reading this new book. It's very heart-warming because the main character lost his sister to suicide, and all the emotions he is feeling I can relate to. Even though it's a work entirely of fiction, I enjoy reading the book because of that relation.

I hope Adam's mom is doing okay today. I wish you a happy mother's day. If it even means anything. I have heard about so many deaths this year. Some deaths I hear about because I told the person that my boyfriend has died. Some deaths animal related. Others because it was simply their time. I laugh when I remember telling myself that 2009 was going to be a better year. It can fuck itself.

My birthday is coming up. I am thoroughly excited that I already have plans made for it. If not, the only thing I can think of would be for Adam to spoil me and shower me with love. Not the case. Not at all possible. Birthdays. Another year older. Another year closer to death. Fuck them.

I think holidays are overrated.

I loves you Adam. Like I have mentioned before, I can't wait to fucking see you again. You and I have a lot of catching up to do. You're overdue for a tickling.

Who knows anymore

Eh... i don't know where to begin.

Work sucked. The usual routine. Barely standing. Sluggish overload. The same mundane routine. And when I say routine... I am also referring to the grieving part.

Let's re-enact a scenario that occurred at work today.

Insert employee that I haven't been able to talk to since Adam passed away.

"So Kristine how are you? You still going out with the same guy?"says fellow employee.
"No have you not heard?" says I, but in my head I am really saying... fuck, here we go again.

I tell him the whole deal about Adam having passed away. Reaction as always is of concern and apologetic. I mean he was nice about the whole thing. It's just, I wish I didn't have to respond with that answer. I wish I could say, oh you know, the same old.

I always get tired of saying that whenever people ask how my mom is doing. Now when somebody asks how she's doing. I'm thankful that she isn't sick or dead.

But I cannot say the same for my beloved boyfriend. It's also difficult when I have to tell people about Adam. Like when I was telling my boss how Adam's dad went skydiving with me. I said, "my boyfriend's Dad went skydiving with me". It's hard because sometimes when I refer to Adam like that, people get confused. It's also hard because it just never feels right talking about our relationship in a past tense. Our relationship never ended. But it did because he is no longer here. Am I explaining this correctly?

I almost broke down at work today. Now whenever the terrible emotions hit me, it's either I want to start crying, or I want to start screaming and hitting everything in sight. Regardless of how hard that wall will be and how much my fist will hurt in the end. I want to punch away the anger, punch away the pain. These solve nothing. I suppose they help in the end.

I become angry a lot easier.

I cry a lot easier.

I went to Adam's parent's house today. I looked at Adam's stuff in his old room. So nostalgic. Everything I saw, it was tied to a previous memory. Sensory overload. Then I visited Adam's grave. I think I cried the hardest I did out there, since a month after Adam passed. It felt like it did in the movies, where you cut to a scene where the couple is happy and having a great time, and instantly to a shot of the gravestone. Fuck. Why the fuck are you 6 ft under babe? His gravestone looked really nice though. Blue granite border. A really nice looking Tiger etched into it. But again, I wish it wasn't real. I stood out there for awhile. Witnessed another group drop off their flowers, pay their respects, and leave. I was still there. I looked at the gravestone to the left of Adam's. "Together Forever". I feel for the widow, because it was a joint gravestone, but only one was buried. Buried in 1999. If the widow has survived 10 years without their loved one, then I can fucking do it. These four months has seemed like 4 years in itself. But I can fucking do it.

This week has been really hard. I got a second job like I had mentioned before. In hopes that it will make me more exhausted so I can fall asleep earlier. It achieved the first half, but I still go to sleep at the same time... which is too fucking late for my own good.

I accidentally left my (Adam's ipod actually) in a friend's car. I haven't gotten it back. It's been over a week. And I feel like I have lost another part of Adam.

I have been thinking about what I told Adam one day. I remember he was taking an interest in motorcycles, wanting to get one. Like any wife, girlfriend, mother, sister, whomever cares for the loved one would do... I said no. I don't want you to get one because I fear it will bring about your death. I told him that I would have to stop loving him because he would surely die on that 'death on wheels'. Oh the irony. Oh the fucking thing that is called irony.

Well babe, you died from something that can go fast and has wheels. I want to get a bike now. I want to increase the chances of my death. Increase the probability so that I will have the likeliness of being with Adam again sooner. Death is what I fear the least right now. Dammit. I'm probably going to live to see like 80 or something. Damn I would hate that.

Wow this is a long post. At least this helps. At least this provides sanity for when the times are unbearable.

I took a nap today. Hoping that I wouldn't wake up until the next morning. So I can actually catch up on some rest. Does waking up two hours later account for anything? Now I probably wont' go to bed until at least one in the morning. That's four hours from now. What the fuck am I going to do until then. My co-worker, the one that asked about Adam earlier today, suggested we go out for drinks tonight. I might take him up on that offer.

I want Cristina's (Mexican restaurant). That was our restaurant. We would go there a lot after I got off work. Whenever I suggested it, Adam was always up for it. Dammit. I want to go there so bad right now. I can't go by myself. Somebody go with me. Adam, go with me.

I find it entertaining when I tell people what my plans are for the evening, or the weekend. Skydiving, numerous trips to Austin, staying up late, driving fast and recklessly (well not recklessly, I am a very talented driver (insert winking action here)), Martial Arts, Auto cross, eating my weight, just going out everywhere at every minute possible.

Their response is of shock... and I respond by telling them it's what I have to do to keep myself from thinking about Adam.

It's late, I started this at about 10PM, went out to a bar, and now I am back finishing this up. I need to attempt to get some rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight. I loves you Adam.

What do you say?

The lack of sleep is starting to take it's toll on me now. They say the recommended amount of sleep should be between 8-9 hours. It ranges from 3-5 now. For me, that is not enough. When Adam was there with me, I would get at least 8 every night. He made me so comfortable. Now I don't want to sleep, in rare cases, (like now) I can't sleep.

People at work are always saying how tired I look. Too bad even make-up can't disguise my fatigue. What do I tell them when they make this comment? People always ask why I'm not getting enough sleep. I don't know how to say that it's because I lost someone I love, and I can't sleep because of it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just wish there was an easy way to tell them.

I remember when Adam and I were broken up, he said that he would drink himself to sleep. Now I see why he did such a thing. I feel so bad that he had to go through it. At least it ended before he left for good.

I'm finding it difficult to express how I am feeling right now. But yes, me and no sleep are a terrible combination.

Other news. I went skydiving over the weekend. Something I said I would do before I died. Adam was trying to convince me to do it, and during that time I was really scared to. But for some reason I wasn't scared at all when I did it. I don't know if it's because I felt like I was closer to Adam or what not. Fear escaped me that day, I only had it for a few seconds. Regardless of the fact that I closed my eyes for all of the freefalling part. I loved it. Or I wonder if I wasn't scared because I don't fear death anymore. I have said this before, I am not suicidal, but I want death to come. I always wish that it would come so I can be with Adam. And I know this is a normal thing to think of. I didn't get an adrenaline rush at all when I went skydiving. I was at ease, so calm, not nervous.

I hope it was just that sport that doesn't give me a high, because I am going to get bored trying to find things to do that will actually give me a thrill. I dont know. Damn having a death wish.

I got to see Adam's dad out there too. It was hard at first, because they look so alike. But it was also nice to see him, because I felt closer to Adam. At the same time, I don't like being with him for long, because anytime I am with any member of Adam's family, I feel empty inside. I feel empty because the link between us is missing. I only know them because of one person. Eh, I really can't express my feelings. But I'm sure you guys understand what I am trying to say. Empty. When I am with his family. It is comforting and empty.

So the funeral home finally put up Adam's gravestone. I look forward to seeing it. Well, I am not exactly happy about it, but it's about time they put it up. Of course I still can't believe that I am typing about this. I wish that he wasn't dead. But doesn't everybody that loses a loved one. And unfortunately that is not how this world works.

Adam's Dad found a short video that had him in it. We watched it at the skydive grounds, it made me tear up. It was so nice to see his face, to hear him say something. I teared up too when his Dad came up to me and expressed his emotions to me. Him saying how he feels like I am his daughter-in-law. I feel the same about him. And I wish it were real. I wish I got the opportunity to say that I am married to him.

ASL;GIHASDL;GIFH

Well I can't stop the tears from rolling. It's 7 min after 12... I need to get some rest. At least make an attempt to. The last thing I want to hear at work is, "what's wrong with your eyes?" I have to be honest with them, tell them I was crying. Something I don't want to say, but what else can you say to that? Sigh. I got another job, so at least that will keep me busy. They are nice and my schedule is open, they need me whenever I can make it there. Maybe that will make me completely exhausted to where I pass out and have no choice about staying awake or not.