Avoiding the inevitable = Impossible

I do not know why.

I do not have the answers.

I can not tell you this will be easy.

This will be unlike anything you have ever experienced.

I wish mourning the loss of someone were easy. I wish the pain would go away. I constantly suppress my grief. I mask it, I despise it. Yet no matter what I do, it will always be there. I need to stop running away from it. I can't ignore it. That matter proved itself to be true. I (which I haven't done since the week Adam passed) completely lost it today.

I wish I could have controlled myself. But I was unable to do so. I was only fortunate enough that my bfff (not a typo) was really close by when I did to help calm me down.

The time before today I was luckily not by myself. That time I was with Adam's friends and family. Sigh. It's such an ugly sight to bear witness to.

I suppose I will tell you now, so if anybody else has to see it, they know what to expect.

I scream, I yell, I cry uncontrollably.
I punch walls no matter how hard it hurts.

Sigh.

I just miss him. I think about all the times I yelled at him, and wish I had not done so.

One time especially I was trying to get some documents signed for my early release from probation. Well, long story short, I was frustrated because Adam woke up late and because he did, I missed the time slot to have my papers signed. The location was in McKinney, and by then it was about the 3rd time I had driven up there only to find the office was 'closed' or whatever bullshit they had that day. I even called beforehand to make sure they would be open, but they had some stupid meeting or something when I got there. So I lost it, got completely frustrated and started screaming. Adam (by this time) was familiar with my 'routine' when I get angry and he said that I can punch him if I needed to. At first I told him it wasn't necessary. But out of nowhere, without me warning him, I punched him as hard as I could. In the arm at least, I'm not that cruel. I know he wasn't mad that I did that, but I still feel bad about doing it. I yelled at him so much that day. I wish I didn't, thinking back on it.

Well, you can't live life regretting something like that. Sigh. Even though I said it then, I will say it again. I am sorry babe for doing that to you.

Fuck it all.