Nothing comes to mind

What a gloomy day outside. My neighbor downstairs has moved out, even though I never met her, I am sad over it. I think moving develops a mixture of emotions, stressful yes, but also exciting and depressing. I am sad that she has left because there was something about her that made her loving and warm. She had numerous plants on her patio, and lovely bird feeders out on the branches of the tree in front of my window. I hear the millions of birds singing, but all I hear is them singing, "where is our food?" I hate moving as much as I love it. When Adam and I moved out of our Lewisville apt (we weren't together and we weren't apart at the time) it was extremely depressing. We created so many memories there. So many. I cried when we shut the door to what we did call our 'home'. Shut the door to what was going to be somebody else's home instead. I don't remember if Adam said he cried, because I wasn't there when he turned the keys in. When he got the remaining things of his later on. I think he did.


My lease is about to end at my current apartment. The end of July. I once again am revisiting all of the same emotions that I had from our Lewisville home. I don't want to leave here, but I don't want to stay. Staying here creates tears in my eyes when I think about Adam. Sad tears. But I want to stay here because I don't want to leave the memories behind. Before January 11, 2009, I had a move to look forward to. Yes, I did. Adam and I were going to get our own place again. I looked forward to it very much. The bills not so much. But being together... that was something euphoric. Very much so. Now that dream has disappeared. Dissolved itself due to nature. Due to unexpected events. Undesirable events. Oh how much I hate thee. Despise thee. Detest thee.

You know when you're hanging out with your friends and ocassionally you get bored or tired and just want to go home. Then later on in the year, you think back on those memories, those fond times you had shared. You wish you could go back in time to those wonderful days. Well you never realize how important the minutes you shared are until they're gone.

Since I didn't work out at all last week, I had so much anger inside. It was difficult supressing it all.

I have a new therapist. Through my insurance company. I dislike her. I enjoy my original $140/session therapist. Damn his costly expenses. I can't argue since the new therapist is free. Eh. Well, she's alright, she listens. But she appears to not give a damn. I don't know how she could I guess. I tell her the reason why I am seeing her. My boyfriend passed away. Near the end of our session, she replies by saying that I am doing everything right. I want to punch her in the face. I don't know why I want to punch her. I want to punch her because it is not what I want to hear. I want to be told that there is a cure. We can bring your dead boyfriend back to life. I want to hear her say that everything will be alright, because of that solution. I want to hear her say that your boyfriend is behind that door. Why can't death be much easier to cope with?

I am reading this new book. It's very heart-warming because the main character lost his sister to suicide, and all the emotions he is feeling I can relate to. Even though it's a work entirely of fiction, I enjoy reading the book because of that relation.

I hope Adam's mom is doing okay today. I wish you a happy mother's day. If it even means anything. I have heard about so many deaths this year. Some deaths I hear about because I told the person that my boyfriend has died. Some deaths animal related. Others because it was simply their time. I laugh when I remember telling myself that 2009 was going to be a better year. It can fuck itself.

My birthday is coming up. I am thoroughly excited that I already have plans made for it. If not, the only thing I can think of would be for Adam to spoil me and shower me with love. Not the case. Not at all possible. Birthdays. Another year older. Another year closer to death. Fuck them.

I think holidays are overrated.

I loves you Adam. Like I have mentioned before, I can't wait to fucking see you again. You and I have a lot of catching up to do. You're overdue for a tickling.