The lack of sleep is starting to take it's toll on me now. They say the recommended amount of sleep should be between 8-9 hours. It ranges from 3-5 now. For me, that is not enough. When Adam was there with me, I would get at least 8 every night. He made me so comfortable. Now I don't want to sleep, in rare cases, (like now) I can't sleep.
People at work are always saying how tired I look. Too bad even make-up can't disguise my fatigue. What do I tell them when they make this comment? People always ask why I'm not getting enough sleep. I don't know how to say that it's because I lost someone I love, and I can't sleep because of it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just wish there was an easy way to tell them.
I remember when Adam and I were broken up, he said that he would drink himself to sleep. Now I see why he did such a thing. I feel so bad that he had to go through it. At least it ended before he left for good.
I'm finding it difficult to express how I am feeling right now. But yes, me and no sleep are a terrible combination.
Other news. I went skydiving over the weekend. Something I said I would do before I died. Adam was trying to convince me to do it, and during that time I was really scared to. But for some reason I wasn't scared at all when I did it. I don't know if it's because I felt like I was closer to Adam or what not. Fear escaped me that day, I only had it for a few seconds. Regardless of the fact that I closed my eyes for all of the freefalling part. I loved it. Or I wonder if I wasn't scared because I don't fear death anymore. I have said this before, I am not suicidal, but I want death to come. I always wish that it would come so I can be with Adam. And I know this is a normal thing to think of. I didn't get an adrenaline rush at all when I went skydiving. I was at ease, so calm, not nervous.
I hope it was just that sport that doesn't give me a high, because I am going to get bored trying to find things to do that will actually give me a thrill. I dont know. Damn having a death wish.
I got to see Adam's dad out there too. It was hard at first, because they look so alike. But it was also nice to see him, because I felt closer to Adam. At the same time, I don't like being with him for long, because anytime I am with any member of Adam's family, I feel empty inside. I feel empty because the link between us is missing. I only know them because of one person. Eh, I really can't express my feelings. But I'm sure you guys understand what I am trying to say. Empty. When I am with his family. It is comforting and empty.
So the funeral home finally put up Adam's gravestone. I look forward to seeing it. Well, I am not exactly happy about it, but it's about time they put it up. Of course I still can't believe that I am typing about this. I wish that he wasn't dead. But doesn't everybody that loses a loved one. And unfortunately that is not how this world works.
Adam's Dad found a short video that had him in it. We watched it at the skydive grounds, it made me tear up. It was so nice to see his face, to hear him say something. I teared up too when his Dad came up to me and expressed his emotions to me. Him saying how he feels like I am his daughter-in-law. I feel the same about him. And I wish it were real. I wish I got the opportunity to say that I am married to him.
ASL;GIHASDL;GIFH
Well I can't stop the tears from rolling. It's 7 min after 12... I need to get some rest. At least make an attempt to. The last thing I want to hear at work is, "what's wrong with your eyes?" I have to be honest with them, tell them I was crying. Something I don't want to say, but what else can you say to that? Sigh. I got another job, so at least that will keep me busy. They are nice and my schedule is open, they need me whenever I can make it there. Maybe that will make me completely exhausted to where I pass out and have no choice about staying awake or not.
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