Who knows anymore

Eh... i don't know where to begin.

Work sucked. The usual routine. Barely standing. Sluggish overload. The same mundane routine. And when I say routine... I am also referring to the grieving part.

Let's re-enact a scenario that occurred at work today.

Insert employee that I haven't been able to talk to since Adam passed away.

"So Kristine how are you? You still going out with the same guy?"says fellow employee.
"No have you not heard?" says I, but in my head I am really saying... fuck, here we go again.

I tell him the whole deal about Adam having passed away. Reaction as always is of concern and apologetic. I mean he was nice about the whole thing. It's just, I wish I didn't have to respond with that answer. I wish I could say, oh you know, the same old.

I always get tired of saying that whenever people ask how my mom is doing. Now when somebody asks how she's doing. I'm thankful that she isn't sick or dead.

But I cannot say the same for my beloved boyfriend. It's also difficult when I have to tell people about Adam. Like when I was telling my boss how Adam's dad went skydiving with me. I said, "my boyfriend's Dad went skydiving with me". It's hard because sometimes when I refer to Adam like that, people get confused. It's also hard because it just never feels right talking about our relationship in a past tense. Our relationship never ended. But it did because he is no longer here. Am I explaining this correctly?

I almost broke down at work today. Now whenever the terrible emotions hit me, it's either I want to start crying, or I want to start screaming and hitting everything in sight. Regardless of how hard that wall will be and how much my fist will hurt in the end. I want to punch away the anger, punch away the pain. These solve nothing. I suppose they help in the end.

I become angry a lot easier.

I cry a lot easier.

I went to Adam's parent's house today. I looked at Adam's stuff in his old room. So nostalgic. Everything I saw, it was tied to a previous memory. Sensory overload. Then I visited Adam's grave. I think I cried the hardest I did out there, since a month after Adam passed. It felt like it did in the movies, where you cut to a scene where the couple is happy and having a great time, and instantly to a shot of the gravestone. Fuck. Why the fuck are you 6 ft under babe? His gravestone looked really nice though. Blue granite border. A really nice looking Tiger etched into it. But again, I wish it wasn't real. I stood out there for awhile. Witnessed another group drop off their flowers, pay their respects, and leave. I was still there. I looked at the gravestone to the left of Adam's. "Together Forever". I feel for the widow, because it was a joint gravestone, but only one was buried. Buried in 1999. If the widow has survived 10 years without their loved one, then I can fucking do it. These four months has seemed like 4 years in itself. But I can fucking do it.

This week has been really hard. I got a second job like I had mentioned before. In hopes that it will make me more exhausted so I can fall asleep earlier. It achieved the first half, but I still go to sleep at the same time... which is too fucking late for my own good.

I accidentally left my (Adam's ipod actually) in a friend's car. I haven't gotten it back. It's been over a week. And I feel like I have lost another part of Adam.

I have been thinking about what I told Adam one day. I remember he was taking an interest in motorcycles, wanting to get one. Like any wife, girlfriend, mother, sister, whomever cares for the loved one would do... I said no. I don't want you to get one because I fear it will bring about your death. I told him that I would have to stop loving him because he would surely die on that 'death on wheels'. Oh the irony. Oh the fucking thing that is called irony.

Well babe, you died from something that can go fast and has wheels. I want to get a bike now. I want to increase the chances of my death. Increase the probability so that I will have the likeliness of being with Adam again sooner. Death is what I fear the least right now. Dammit. I'm probably going to live to see like 80 or something. Damn I would hate that.

Wow this is a long post. At least this helps. At least this provides sanity for when the times are unbearable.

I took a nap today. Hoping that I wouldn't wake up until the next morning. So I can actually catch up on some rest. Does waking up two hours later account for anything? Now I probably wont' go to bed until at least one in the morning. That's four hours from now. What the fuck am I going to do until then. My co-worker, the one that asked about Adam earlier today, suggested we go out for drinks tonight. I might take him up on that offer.

I want Cristina's (Mexican restaurant). That was our restaurant. We would go there a lot after I got off work. Whenever I suggested it, Adam was always up for it. Dammit. I want to go there so bad right now. I can't go by myself. Somebody go with me. Adam, go with me.

I find it entertaining when I tell people what my plans are for the evening, or the weekend. Skydiving, numerous trips to Austin, staying up late, driving fast and recklessly (well not recklessly, I am a very talented driver (insert winking action here)), Martial Arts, Auto cross, eating my weight, just going out everywhere at every minute possible.

Their response is of shock... and I respond by telling them it's what I have to do to keep myself from thinking about Adam.

It's late, I started this at about 10PM, went out to a bar, and now I am back finishing this up. I need to attempt to get some rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight. I loves you Adam.