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So I don't know how to approach this. This situation that may seem difficult and pleasant at times. I suppose we'll start from the beginning. A month after Adam passed I started dating this guy (aka douchebag). Two weeks into it he was not who he claimed he was... and it ended immediately. Started dating this other guy that I had dated before Adam passed away. That too did not go so well. It was probably something that I shouldn't have started again in the first place. Other failed attempts include getting digits and having them talk to me for a little while via texting... then they completely stop. Other times include finding a guy that I like, and finding out they have a girlfriend.

I always ask myself why it didn't work out. I wonder if Adam is preventing me from dating the aforementioned failures. Well I finally found a person that I actually like and have feelings for. This person has not screwed me over, or stopped talking to me. This person and I actually hung out tonight. These feelings have been mutual for at least a month now. A bright outlook is definitely a possibility, however I keep having mixed feelings over it.

I suppose I am just not ready to be with anybody... and it sucks. I guess only 4 months have passed by. To me it feels like years though. I can't stand being by myself for such a long time. Maybe I'm just scared to be close to somebody. I just want Adam back. I mean I enjoy his company completely, but I'm finding myself wishing it were Adam instead. With that I assume it means that I am still not ready to be with anybody.

It's so difficult wanting something that is impossible to have. Pretty much anything the average human wants is attainable to some degree. Death however... is of permanence. No matter how many times I wish for him to come back, he won't. It is an impossible feat. Le sigh.

Oh Adam. "Fire ze missiles!" "But I am le tired" "Ok then take a nap, THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!"

That's from this cartoon thingy that he showed me. Hilarity to the tenth degree.

I don't know what I want from this new guy that I like. At times I find myself wanting a relationship, and other times I just want to forget about him. Blegh. Adam just come back to life to make things fucking easier. I guess this is one problem that I can't run away from. That is the usual approach to things that are too difficult for me. I run away. Not this time. Running away only prolongs the obvious.

Well... I loves you Adam. Oh the memories with you I will cherish. Always and forever yours.