So I should be sleeping, but being single, and being single because the significant other died, usually an effect would be lack of sleep.
I don't think I have been at a loss for sleep in ages.
Has anybody seen the movie 25th hour? With Edward Norton? Well there is a scene in it where he gives his spiel and says 'fuck you' to everyone and everything. Probably one of the most racist things out there. In fact, this movie was so controversial, Blockbuster didn't have it available to rent. I know this because at the time I had no clue how to download movies, and I didn't own it yet. So next best thing was to rent it. Fuck you Blockbuster and your morals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGTEkJ8axbo
err... that's the link to what i'm talking about.
Well I feel like Ed Norton's character 'Monty' (shit is that his name in it? I don't remember). Whenever somebody complains about their life, about how fucking hard it is, I want to tell them to suck it up and deal with it. I want to tell them that they are still so lucky, with what they have. And that if they haven't suffered the death of a loved one, then they should move on until the day comes, and then they can complain for however long they feel like it. Complaints such as, fuck, I don't feel like typing examples, but you know what we all complain about. The same arbitrary bullshit. I feel I don't have the right to complain either, even though I am having to go through all of this, I am so lucky still.
I can see what I am typing. I have a job that puts food in my mouth and pays the bills. The bills that cause me to have the desire to learn how to hack into websites, so I can clear all the debt I have accrued. But I shouldn't even complain about that. There are other people who have more debt than I do. I have all four of my limbs, my hamster is still alive!
Eh, just so much to be thankful for. So much. I wish everybody can realize this, so they would stop dwelling over shit that goes wrong, over shit that doesn't go the way they planned it. I say fuck you and deal with it. Yeah, you need to watch the part I'm referring to, because Mr. Norton said it best.
End note, a lovely memory of Adam.
This is before we were going out, we were just friends. There were four of us, Adam and I, and two other friends. We were on our way to a strip club (yes a strip club) to celebrate Adam's birthday. On the highway there was this guy doing a wheelie while going at least 60mph. I rolled down my window and screamed at him, cheering him on, telling him how hot he was. Adam was so cute because he wanted to show off (he already developed a crush over me at this time) so he raced the guy! Adam was driving a small 4 cylinder Geo Prism. I don't know what he was thinking, but he actually kept up with him! For like a few seconds, then the cyclist zoomed off into the distance. It was such a rush to be in the car when he was doing this. Later when Adam and I were bored, talking (months after we started going out) I asked him about that night. He said that he was jealous of the guy and really wanted to show off for me. How cute that was. You were a really good driver, you never scared me no matter what you did, how fast you went, the crazy turns you drove. Anybody else that rode with you, even if they were 6ft and wasn't scared of anything, you put fear into their hearts. I miss you so much. I miss your crazy driving. Nobody that I have met, is as crazy as you were. Actually, nobody aside from me too. You and I were perfect for each other. We were so crazy when it came to anything! Nothing could stop us. We feared nothing when we were together! Well, at least for the most part. Humans are created to fear whether they admit it or not. There is no way a human can be defined as fearless. It just is not possible.
It irritates me when people say that we were meant for each other. Not because of that specific part, but because they follow up that statement by saying, "you guys were soulmates, and were going to get married" Everything they said made it seem like we were going to grow old together. That it was our fate. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Our fate? Him lying 6 feet under dirt, his corpse rotting away. That's the reality of this so called 'fate' you claim we were supposed to have together.
I really need to get some sleep. Adam I miss you and your crazy driving. I will be in Mineral Wells this weekend, my drifting that I will be doing will be in your name.
I loves you with all my heart. And no the 'loves' is not a typo. That is just how we said it for those who haven't known or caught on.
Kisses.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
What do you do?
It's sad when the person closest to you leaves. I have all these things I want to say, but the person that I trusted the most, that I confided in the most, is gone. Who do I say these things to? Especially when I could never be as close to anybody as I was with Adam.
Just the simplest things even. Like, "oh my god work was horrible today!" Or, "look at how crazy my hair is!" There are just so many things, that I wish I could tell him. During lunch, if he wasn't there to take me out, I would always call him and see what he was doing. Before I would leave for work, I would give him kisses goodbye, tell him I loved him, and that I would see him after I get off work. I miss bringing him lunch, because he was tired of eating hamburgers (he worked at five guys at the galleria mall). I loved cooking him scrambled eggs, and making rice, it was one of his favorite dishes, because it was easy, and he disliked me doing much work. He would be so happy when I would bring it to him.
How do you stop the pain, when the only thing you want, is something you can't have. When nothing in the world, could make you as happy as you would be, if the person you loved was back in your arms. What do you do, to make the pain go away? I wish there was something that could fill the void, something that could ease the pain. Something that didn't require drugs or alcohol, or even alchemy! fucking dammit! How did other people survive? If they can do it, then certainly I can. I say fuck you to depression, fuck you to drugs or alcohol. You throw me this shitty brick in my life, and I toss it back to the deep nothingness in the sea. I dont know what I'm trying to say. I say fuck you to life, and the many hurdles you throw at us. I will survive this, and this pain will go away.
Everytime I think about him, it still feels like yesterday. I always said there's no way I could live without him. Everytime I said bye to him, trying to break up with him, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much, and I never wanted him out of my life. I just couldnt be without him. I don't know how I have lived 3 months without him now. But I have no choice, suicide is not my cup of tea. I will not succumb to your wrath.
I'm sorry Adam for treating you the way I did when we were apart. I now know the pain you felt when I broke up with you, and I treated you like shit. I'm sorry for what I did, and I wish I didn't put you through it. You would drink yourself to sleep, and my heart aches that you had to suffer that way. I guess it's a good thing that you left before me, because if I died, you would definitely drink yourself to death. And if me being dead would be the cause of that, then I would feel terrible. If i can feel such a feeling, wherever the afterlife is.
Whenever I play your ipod, I always scroll over the playlist you made. The one titled "I miss her". You made that when we were apart. I always look at it's a constant reminder of what you had to suffer. And I am again truly sorry for that. I suppose in the end, we have to be thankful that it brought us back together better than ever.
I miss you so much Adam. I miss having you hold me while I fall asleep. I miss you being my partner in co-op video games. I would love to have you as my partner in the new Resident Evil, the AI sucks! You would be doing so much better, achieving a lot of head shots. There's even a rifle in it too! So you could snipe the enemies. You loved sniping in video games so much. That was your dream, to be an assassin, a sniper, a pilot.
We were supposed to race each other, but we never had both our cars working, or I would always wuss out. I wish I raced you, you know I would've beaten you. :) You did tell me that you thought I would be a better driver (whether it be drifting, street racing, rallying, whatever) than you. I hope you're practicing up there, for when I come to challenge you!
I have to keep myself so busy, because I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get stuff done, the stuff that requires solo time, alone time at home. Like work on my car, or sell all my shit so I can move, read my books, I can't do anything of the sort. Because when I am by myself, it's so empty, I should be with you.
I can't stop crying.
I miss you babe, I miss you so much. I always wonder what is worse, being a mother and losing your son, being a sister and losing your brother, being a girlfriend and losing your boyfriend. Or even being a child and losing your parent, or your grandparent. WTF! They all suck, they're all terrible. But then I wonder, losing your child, somebody you created, raised, agh shit. I am losing concentration on this. Here's what I think, I think it's hardest when you're the widow, or fiancè or whatever in a relationship, and you lose your signifcant other. At least it's the hardest in the beginning. But then I feel bad for the family, because you can always find another person to love and be in a relationship with. But you can't ever replace the son or daughter you lost. So does that make it easier in the end? Of course you can never replace your significant other, but when you find a new love, the pain lessens in the end.
There are so many tattoos I want to get in remembrance of you. I want to become an air force pilot for you. I want to build that perfect car for you. I want to be that badass that you always said you were. But in reality, you really were the ultimate badass. Hilarious. I loved it when you would say that. I want to be able to fight like you were able to. To have the knowledge you had about guns and computers, and everything I didn't have. I just want to be you, to have something there, to keep alive.
I hope that when I die, that our stuffed animals can come with me. So we can all be together again, your tigers miss you. Panda misses you.
I still have that Tiger puzzle I got you for Christmas... I don't want to do it by myself, I want you to finish it with me. And that LEGO set I got you too, I know if I tried to build it, I would get lost and frustrated and not be able to complete it. And the batman pens I bought you, what am I to do with those? You said you didn't want to use them, because you were scared you would lose them. But now I don't want to use it. Because I don't want to have to lose any of them. And that comb of yours!! Oh my god that comb. You know, the one with the missing teeth, and I would tell you to throw it away, but you didn't want to! I even got you a new comb, but you still used the broken one. It's still in my bathroom, I don't want to remove it. I should've given it to you to be buried with it.
I wish I asked you what you would want me to do with myself if you died before me. I know you would be sad, if you knew you were going to die soon, because there would be nobody to protect me. Don't worry, I'll be strong, and learn to take care of myself. One step at a time. I mean, you and I did have dreams of killing people... of course I can take care of myself!
And I have dirty dishes... come clean them for me! I don't want to wash them... I miss you helping me clean around the place. I miss you taking showers with me. I miss you driving fast for me. I miss you playing with my poofy hair, and always saying how cute I looked when it was curly.
There is no source of comfort, that will equal to the amount that only I can get from you.
I really need to learn alchemy, so I can bring you back to life. If only it were that easy. Maybe building a time machine will be easier. I don't want to lose an arm and leg (full metal reference for those who are unaware).
Well, I'm going to go do stuff, to get my mind off of this, and to maybe actually stop crying over you.
I love you babe, with all my heart.
I can't wait to see you.
Kisses!
I'm over this.
I love you Adam.
Just the simplest things even. Like, "oh my god work was horrible today!" Or, "look at how crazy my hair is!" There are just so many things, that I wish I could tell him. During lunch, if he wasn't there to take me out, I would always call him and see what he was doing. Before I would leave for work, I would give him kisses goodbye, tell him I loved him, and that I would see him after I get off work. I miss bringing him lunch, because he was tired of eating hamburgers (he worked at five guys at the galleria mall). I loved cooking him scrambled eggs, and making rice, it was one of his favorite dishes, because it was easy, and he disliked me doing much work. He would be so happy when I would bring it to him.
How do you stop the pain, when the only thing you want, is something you can't have. When nothing in the world, could make you as happy as you would be, if the person you loved was back in your arms. What do you do, to make the pain go away? I wish there was something that could fill the void, something that could ease the pain. Something that didn't require drugs or alcohol, or even alchemy! fucking dammit! How did other people survive? If they can do it, then certainly I can. I say fuck you to depression, fuck you to drugs or alcohol. You throw me this shitty brick in my life, and I toss it back to the deep nothingness in the sea. I dont know what I'm trying to say. I say fuck you to life, and the many hurdles you throw at us. I will survive this, and this pain will go away.
Everytime I think about him, it still feels like yesterday. I always said there's no way I could live without him. Everytime I said bye to him, trying to break up with him, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much, and I never wanted him out of my life. I just couldnt be without him. I don't know how I have lived 3 months without him now. But I have no choice, suicide is not my cup of tea. I will not succumb to your wrath.
I'm sorry Adam for treating you the way I did when we were apart. I now know the pain you felt when I broke up with you, and I treated you like shit. I'm sorry for what I did, and I wish I didn't put you through it. You would drink yourself to sleep, and my heart aches that you had to suffer that way. I guess it's a good thing that you left before me, because if I died, you would definitely drink yourself to death. And if me being dead would be the cause of that, then I would feel terrible. If i can feel such a feeling, wherever the afterlife is.
Whenever I play your ipod, I always scroll over the playlist you made. The one titled "I miss her". You made that when we were apart. I always look at it's a constant reminder of what you had to suffer. And I am again truly sorry for that. I suppose in the end, we have to be thankful that it brought us back together better than ever.
I miss you so much Adam. I miss having you hold me while I fall asleep. I miss you being my partner in co-op video games. I would love to have you as my partner in the new Resident Evil, the AI sucks! You would be doing so much better, achieving a lot of head shots. There's even a rifle in it too! So you could snipe the enemies. You loved sniping in video games so much. That was your dream, to be an assassin, a sniper, a pilot.
We were supposed to race each other, but we never had both our cars working, or I would always wuss out. I wish I raced you, you know I would've beaten you. :) You did tell me that you thought I would be a better driver (whether it be drifting, street racing, rallying, whatever) than you. I hope you're practicing up there, for when I come to challenge you!
I have to keep myself so busy, because I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get stuff done, the stuff that requires solo time, alone time at home. Like work on my car, or sell all my shit so I can move, read my books, I can't do anything of the sort. Because when I am by myself, it's so empty, I should be with you.
I can't stop crying.
I miss you babe, I miss you so much. I always wonder what is worse, being a mother and losing your son, being a sister and losing your brother, being a girlfriend and losing your boyfriend. Or even being a child and losing your parent, or your grandparent. WTF! They all suck, they're all terrible. But then I wonder, losing your child, somebody you created, raised, agh shit. I am losing concentration on this. Here's what I think, I think it's hardest when you're the widow, or fiancè or whatever in a relationship, and you lose your signifcant other. At least it's the hardest in the beginning. But then I feel bad for the family, because you can always find another person to love and be in a relationship with. But you can't ever replace the son or daughter you lost. So does that make it easier in the end? Of course you can never replace your significant other, but when you find a new love, the pain lessens in the end.
There are so many tattoos I want to get in remembrance of you. I want to become an air force pilot for you. I want to build that perfect car for you. I want to be that badass that you always said you were. But in reality, you really were the ultimate badass. Hilarious. I loved it when you would say that. I want to be able to fight like you were able to. To have the knowledge you had about guns and computers, and everything I didn't have. I just want to be you, to have something there, to keep alive.
I hope that when I die, that our stuffed animals can come with me. So we can all be together again, your tigers miss you. Panda misses you.
I still have that Tiger puzzle I got you for Christmas... I don't want to do it by myself, I want you to finish it with me. And that LEGO set I got you too, I know if I tried to build it, I would get lost and frustrated and not be able to complete it. And the batman pens I bought you, what am I to do with those? You said you didn't want to use them, because you were scared you would lose them. But now I don't want to use it. Because I don't want to have to lose any of them. And that comb of yours!! Oh my god that comb. You know, the one with the missing teeth, and I would tell you to throw it away, but you didn't want to! I even got you a new comb, but you still used the broken one. It's still in my bathroom, I don't want to remove it. I should've given it to you to be buried with it.
I wish I asked you what you would want me to do with myself if you died before me. I know you would be sad, if you knew you were going to die soon, because there would be nobody to protect me. Don't worry, I'll be strong, and learn to take care of myself. One step at a time. I mean, you and I did have dreams of killing people... of course I can take care of myself!
And I have dirty dishes... come clean them for me! I don't want to wash them... I miss you helping me clean around the place. I miss you taking showers with me. I miss you driving fast for me. I miss you playing with my poofy hair, and always saying how cute I looked when it was curly.
There is no source of comfort, that will equal to the amount that only I can get from you.
I really need to learn alchemy, so I can bring you back to life. If only it were that easy. Maybe building a time machine will be easier. I don't want to lose an arm and leg (full metal reference for those who are unaware).
Well, I'm going to go do stuff, to get my mind off of this, and to maybe actually stop crying over you.
I love you babe, with all my heart.
I can't wait to see you.
Kisses!
I'm over this.
I love you Adam.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Untitled part 2
I remember some of the things that I wanted to say now.
First off, I want to thank my friends for helping me through this. I know without them I would not be able to survive any of this. I can't stand staying at home for awhile, at least by myself that is. So getting out of the house, or having friends over definitely helps cope with the healing process... so thank you guys again. And I can't believe I forgot something as simple as that. Please excuse me, I'm so scatter brained (one of the symptoms of grieving, in case you didn't know).
Second, a question I don't usually know how to answer.
"How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" And many others along that context. I never know if they're referring to how I am dealing with this, or how I am in general. When I ask what they're referring to they say, just tell me anything. Of course even with that said, I still don't know how to respond. I want to spill my guts or cry my heart out every time somebody asks me that. I want to tell them that it's a fucking heartache that I have to dwell over. But of course to keep the mood light (because most of the time it's at work that I get asked this), I usually respond with "oh it's going well" or "I'm doing much better". All lies. At least most of it. There is some truth to it, because I can say that I am doing better. But I am not at my best. I always wish that he would walk in that door, and I would get to see him one last time. But I know that's impossible.
Third, I feel so wrong for saying this, but at the same time, I shouldn't.
Every time I see a couple, anytime, anywhere, jealousy consumes me. I hate jealousy, I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it. I say in my head that you guys are so damn lucky. You should make every moment count, in case your significant other passes away. Anytime, when they're holding hands, when they're smiling at each other, giving each other kisses. I can't be in the same room alone with them. I always think of how much Adam loved it when I would lock arms with him, instead of holding his hands. He preferred it that way. As did I. He said he feels like he's protecting me more in that way, versus us holding hands. I did too. For fun (on occasion) I would tease him, I would put my hand out there for him to grab it. But then I would retract my hand to see his reaction. He would be like, "hey! Why did you do that?" And I would laugh, give him some kisses, and grab his hand and hold it tightly to make up for it.
I need to go to bed, it's late. More to come soon.
Goodnight. I love you Adam. I always will. Forever and ever.
First off, I want to thank my friends for helping me through this. I know without them I would not be able to survive any of this. I can't stand staying at home for awhile, at least by myself that is. So getting out of the house, or having friends over definitely helps cope with the healing process... so thank you guys again. And I can't believe I forgot something as simple as that. Please excuse me, I'm so scatter brained (one of the symptoms of grieving, in case you didn't know).
Second, a question I don't usually know how to answer.
"How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" And many others along that context. I never know if they're referring to how I am dealing with this, or how I am in general. When I ask what they're referring to they say, just tell me anything. Of course even with that said, I still don't know how to respond. I want to spill my guts or cry my heart out every time somebody asks me that. I want to tell them that it's a fucking heartache that I have to dwell over. But of course to keep the mood light (because most of the time it's at work that I get asked this), I usually respond with "oh it's going well" or "I'm doing much better". All lies. At least most of it. There is some truth to it, because I can say that I am doing better. But I am not at my best. I always wish that he would walk in that door, and I would get to see him one last time. But I know that's impossible.
Third, I feel so wrong for saying this, but at the same time, I shouldn't.
Every time I see a couple, anytime, anywhere, jealousy consumes me. I hate jealousy, I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it. I say in my head that you guys are so damn lucky. You should make every moment count, in case your significant other passes away. Anytime, when they're holding hands, when they're smiling at each other, giving each other kisses. I can't be in the same room alone with them. I always think of how much Adam loved it when I would lock arms with him, instead of holding his hands. He preferred it that way. As did I. He said he feels like he's protecting me more in that way, versus us holding hands. I did too. For fun (on occasion) I would tease him, I would put my hand out there for him to grab it. But then I would retract my hand to see his reaction. He would be like, "hey! Why did you do that?" And I would laugh, give him some kisses, and grab his hand and hold it tightly to make up for it.
I need to go to bed, it's late. More to come soon.
Goodnight. I love you Adam. I always will. Forever and ever.
Untitled
It's almost been three months now. Since Adam passed. I remember the first month being the longest and hardest month I have ever endured. I never thought I would make it out alive. But if I was able to make it through that month, and the month after that... I can easily make it past the third month. And the fourth, and then a year. It sucks, when someone you love dies, because death is all I think about. Last night I started freaking out because my mom was running late. I kept running all these scenarios in my head, and how I would have to make all these calls to cancel credit cards, accounts, and tell the children's parents that their baby sitter has passed.
I noticed I don't cry as much anymore. I noticed that more time then before has passed when he wasn't on my mind. They say that the first two months are going to be the roughest. I'm glad they're over with.
One thing that's difficult is that I haven't been single in six years. And being single for 3 months now is making me go crazy! Adam was right when he said that I was the type who can't be alone. I want him back so bad.
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about... but due to my shitty memory, I can't remember them.
I'll just close with a wonderful memory I have of Adam.
We finally have the keys to our new apartment in Lewisville. It was our first apartment together, just us. I wanted to paint the whole bedroom... I think this was a bad idea to start with. But it was hilarious because Adam kept getting paint all over him, so out of frustration he took off all his clothes and started painting naked. I could not stop laughing, not only because he was painting in the nude, but he still had his socks on! I remember attacking him with brown paint. Sigh. I wish I was an english major, because this whole scenario is so much better in my head then what I have posted. It was just fucking hilarious and I miss him so damn much. End of story.
I noticed I don't cry as much anymore. I noticed that more time then before has passed when he wasn't on my mind. They say that the first two months are going to be the roughest. I'm glad they're over with.
One thing that's difficult is that I haven't been single in six years. And being single for 3 months now is making me go crazy! Adam was right when he said that I was the type who can't be alone. I want him back so bad.
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about... but due to my shitty memory, I can't remember them.
I'll just close with a wonderful memory I have of Adam.
We finally have the keys to our new apartment in Lewisville. It was our first apartment together, just us. I wanted to paint the whole bedroom... I think this was a bad idea to start with. But it was hilarious because Adam kept getting paint all over him, so out of frustration he took off all his clothes and started painting naked. I could not stop laughing, not only because he was painting in the nude, but he still had his socks on! I remember attacking him with brown paint. Sigh. I wish I was an english major, because this whole scenario is so much better in my head then what I have posted. It was just fucking hilarious and I miss him so damn much. End of story.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Too good to be true
I just woke up from a nightmare/dream I suppose? This is the second dream I have had of Adam actually being in it. In my dream Adam had pulled up in his black 240 (Nissan) and walked up to me. He looked the same as he always did, so sexy. :) He gave me my usual kisses on the lips (like he always would whenever he came up to me) and they were so real. He told me that he missed me and asked how I was doing. I told him that I missed him so much and that I wanted him back. He replied by saying that I'm so lucky to be here that I shouldn't wish such things. I told him that it isn't the same without you, and as he was about to tell me something of importance, I woke up crying. It felt so real, his kisses, him talking to me. I can't believe I had a dream like that, because usually in my dreams I usually can't ever find him (because I know in real life he's dead, blah blah blah).
I saw the movie I Love You, Man yesterday. It was pretty hilarious. Although when the main characters got married in it, I started tearing up. I kept thinking, "I wonder what our wedding would've looked like?" I kept imagining Adam's smile, as he would see me walk down that aisle. I can't describe what it would be like, but I know that our wedding would've been amazing. But I should stop with that nonsense. That irreplaceable nonsense and face reality.
So I am not completely sure as to whether what I am about to tell you will be completely out of the ordinary or not. I'm sure everybody worries about their loved one whenever they go out somewhere, right? I know I did that constantly with Adam. But would it freak you out if I told you I knew when Adam was going to die? I think everybody has this, like a sixth sense type of thing. I know shortly before his death I became extra paranoid that he was going to die in a car accident. I just knew he would. I know Wednesday before he passed, when he was going to see a friend in Denton, as he was leaving my sight, I told myself to get one last look at him because I had a feeling it would be the last time. Would it scare you if I said that on his last day, after dropping me off, as he was driving away, I did the same thing? I told myself again, "look at him, it might the last time you see him". I guess it isn't something that should freak people out, and that this is normal. But ever since I was young I always had these sixth sense type of things. Ok, let's not go into it because I could go on forever trying to prove my 'ability'. HAHA. Crazy, yes.
So when I heard the news as I was in the hospital room, surrounded by his family, the shock that I went through. The first thing that came to mind was, "there is no way that I was right". I could not believe it. It had to be a joke, and he had to still be alive. But it was real and it wasn't a joke. My gut instinct was correct, it was correct about him dying and the way he died.
Sigh.
In saying that, I have another bad instinct, I don't want to mention it because I don't want to jinx myself. But when that time comes, I'll be ready.
I saw the movie I Love You, Man yesterday. It was pretty hilarious. Although when the main characters got married in it, I started tearing up. I kept thinking, "I wonder what our wedding would've looked like?" I kept imagining Adam's smile, as he would see me walk down that aisle. I can't describe what it would be like, but I know that our wedding would've been amazing. But I should stop with that nonsense. That irreplaceable nonsense and face reality.
So I am not completely sure as to whether what I am about to tell you will be completely out of the ordinary or not. I'm sure everybody worries about their loved one whenever they go out somewhere, right? I know I did that constantly with Adam. But would it freak you out if I told you I knew when Adam was going to die? I think everybody has this, like a sixth sense type of thing. I know shortly before his death I became extra paranoid that he was going to die in a car accident. I just knew he would. I know Wednesday before he passed, when he was going to see a friend in Denton, as he was leaving my sight, I told myself to get one last look at him because I had a feeling it would be the last time. Would it scare you if I said that on his last day, after dropping me off, as he was driving away, I did the same thing? I told myself again, "look at him, it might the last time you see him". I guess it isn't something that should freak people out, and that this is normal. But ever since I was young I always had these sixth sense type of things. Ok, let's not go into it because I could go on forever trying to prove my 'ability'. HAHA. Crazy, yes.
So when I heard the news as I was in the hospital room, surrounded by his family, the shock that I went through. The first thing that came to mind was, "there is no way that I was right". I could not believe it. It had to be a joke, and he had to still be alive. But it was real and it wasn't a joke. My gut instinct was correct, it was correct about him dying and the way he died.
Sigh.
In saying that, I have another bad instinct, I don't want to mention it because I don't want to jinx myself. But when that time comes, I'll be ready.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
No pain no gain
Just a random thought, to show you how amazing Adam was.
I ask this question to almost every guy I date, just to see how much they actually love me, or care about me.
"If somebody were to come up to you, and tell you they would give you a million dollars, if you punched me in the face, would you?"
When I asked Adam this, without hesitation, he said there was no way he could do it. He said no matter how much money somebody gave him, he wouldn't be able to hurt me. I asked him, "what if I told you to do it, and I wanted you to do it, so we could have the money?" He replied with the same answer, that he didn't want to hurt me.
Whenever I'd ask anybody else, they would always say yes. They might ask under what conditions first, such as how hard they had to hit me, or if I would let them hit me. Whenever I would say no, they would argue and say that I should let them hit me since it's such a great deal of money.
Just goes to show you what a true gentleman Adam was.
I love you babe. I think about you constantly. I wish you were still here with me, but you are gone for a reason.
Love,
Kristine
I ask this question to almost every guy I date, just to see how much they actually love me, or care about me.
"If somebody were to come up to you, and tell you they would give you a million dollars, if you punched me in the face, would you?"
When I asked Adam this, without hesitation, he said there was no way he could do it. He said no matter how much money somebody gave him, he wouldn't be able to hurt me. I asked him, "what if I told you to do it, and I wanted you to do it, so we could have the money?" He replied with the same answer, that he didn't want to hurt me.
Whenever I'd ask anybody else, they would always say yes. They might ask under what conditions first, such as how hard they had to hit me, or if I would let them hit me. Whenever I would say no, they would argue and say that I should let them hit me since it's such a great deal of money.
Just goes to show you what a true gentleman Adam was.
I love you babe. I think about you constantly. I wish you were still here with me, but you are gone for a reason.
Love,
Kristine
Monday, March 16, 2009
Oh the memories
Oh my beloved, I never realized how much you spoiled me until you left for good. I mean, when we weren't together, I realized it then. But now that you are completely gone, I never realized to what extent it was.
I mean of course I miss your company period, but even the little things I will appreciate for life.
I miss you opening doors for me everywhere we went. I miss you massaging me every night when I didn't ask you to, and you didn't expect one in return. I remember when I said let's give each other one, and we should spend the same amount of time for each other, but when you gave me mine you spent more time giving one to me. I told you that you didn't have to keep going, but you wanted to, and that you didn't care how long it took... I especially miss falling asleep to you giving me one. I miss when you would give me kisses all over, to relax me from a hard day at work. I miss you always taking me out to eat, because you knew how much I loved it. And you wouldn't care how often we went out, or what I ordered. You always went everywhere with me. Even if you didn't feel like going, or didn't like where we were headed . You never complained or rushed me. I was so happy when you came and saved me from the Allen outlets when my mom kidnapped me. Without hesitation you were willing to drive so far just to pick me up and rescue me.
On occasion I would be too lazy to get out of bed to brush my teeth. I didn't have to ask you, immediately you would go get a cup of water, and my toothbrush with toothpaste on it and bring it to me. I miss you washing the dishes for me, when I never told you to. You always put my needs before yours. You would take me to work, or pick me up and it didn't seem to bother you or be of inconvenience. You would always come visit me during lunch. Whenever we went grocery shopping, you would carry all the heavy groceries and have me carry very few. When I moved with you to Denton, you didn't want me to give you any money to help with the bills. I loved how you would wait until I was asleep, before you went to sleep. Even though it only took me seconds to do so, when it took you at least 30 minutes. You were my bug killer! How am I supposed to kill bugs now? I remember one time you were asleep, and I went to the restroom, and there was a bug, and I woke you up to kill it. You didn't ignore me, or get frustrated with me, you slowly got out of bed, killed it, gave me a kiss, laughed a bit, and then went back to bed.
Sigh.
There is so much more that you did for me. And I am so grateful to have experienced such bliss. I'm glad that we spent every second we could with each other. I always felt bad whenever I would tell my friends that I wanted to spend time with you, instead of hang out with them. But after being put in this situation, I don't regret it one bit. I only wish we could've spent more time together.
I can't wait to drift with you in heaven. I loves you bunches...
Kristine
I mean of course I miss your company period, but even the little things I will appreciate for life.
I miss you opening doors for me everywhere we went. I miss you massaging me every night when I didn't ask you to, and you didn't expect one in return. I remember when I said let's give each other one, and we should spend the same amount of time for each other, but when you gave me mine you spent more time giving one to me. I told you that you didn't have to keep going, but you wanted to, and that you didn't care how long it took... I especially miss falling asleep to you giving me one. I miss when you would give me kisses all over, to relax me from a hard day at work. I miss you always taking me out to eat, because you knew how much I loved it. And you wouldn't care how often we went out, or what I ordered. You always went everywhere with me. Even if you didn't feel like going, or didn't like where we were headed . You never complained or rushed me. I was so happy when you came and saved me from the Allen outlets when my mom kidnapped me. Without hesitation you were willing to drive so far just to pick me up and rescue me.
On occasion I would be too lazy to get out of bed to brush my teeth. I didn't have to ask you, immediately you would go get a cup of water, and my toothbrush with toothpaste on it and bring it to me. I miss you washing the dishes for me, when I never told you to. You always put my needs before yours. You would take me to work, or pick me up and it didn't seem to bother you or be of inconvenience. You would always come visit me during lunch. Whenever we went grocery shopping, you would carry all the heavy groceries and have me carry very few. When I moved with you to Denton, you didn't want me to give you any money to help with the bills. I loved how you would wait until I was asleep, before you went to sleep. Even though it only took me seconds to do so, when it took you at least 30 minutes. You were my bug killer! How am I supposed to kill bugs now? I remember one time you were asleep, and I went to the restroom, and there was a bug, and I woke you up to kill it. You didn't ignore me, or get frustrated with me, you slowly got out of bed, killed it, gave me a kiss, laughed a bit, and then went back to bed.
Sigh.
There is so much more that you did for me. And I am so grateful to have experienced such bliss. I'm glad that we spent every second we could with each other. I always felt bad whenever I would tell my friends that I wanted to spend time with you, instead of hang out with them. But after being put in this situation, I don't regret it one bit. I only wish we could've spent more time together.
I can't wait to drift with you in heaven. I loves you bunches...
Kristine
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